Finally Done

Rebecca finished her exams Monday morning and flew out yesterday to California to be with family there. (She'll be back next Wednesday.)

I gave a presentation today, then finished up a short reflection paper and my e-portfolio and sent them off to my professor. I still have work left to do for my thesis and the course I'm designing, but course work for my third semester of grad school is now over, and if everything goes well, I'll graduate in the spring. That's a little crazy to think about, since it means that I have to finish my course work and thesis in the next five months. Even crazier to think about is the fact that a week after I graduate, Rebecca and I will be taking our vows.

National Issue: Hillary Clinton's Speech

Hillary Clinton made a bold statement yesterday. "Some have suggested that gay rights and human rights are separate and distinct; but, in fact, they are one and the same . . . . being LGBT does not make you less human . . . ." she said. She went on:

"It is violation of human rights when people are beaten or killed because of their sexual orientation, or because they do not conform to cultural norms about how men and women should look or behave. It is a violation of human rights when governments declare it illegal to be gay, or allow those who harm gay people to go unpunished. It is a violation of human rights when lesbian or transgendered women are subjected to so-called corrective rape, or forcibly subjected to hormone treatments, or when people are murdered after public calls for violence toward gays, or when they are forced to flee their nations and seek asylum in other lands to save their lives. And it is a violation of human rights when life-saving care is withheld from people because they are gay, or equal access to justice is denied to people because they are gay, or public spaces are out of bounds to people because they are gay. No matter what we look like, where we come from, or who we are, we are all equally entitled to our human rights and dignity . . . .

We need to ask ourselves, 'How would it feel if it were a crime to love the person I love? How would it feel to be discriminated against for something about myself that I cannot change?'"

She did not outline consequences for countries that continue to perpetuate violent behavior, justified by legislation, toward LGBT individuals, although in October, UK Prime Minister David Cameron suggested ending foreign aid to countries that do not recognize LGBT rights. Several African countries objected, and Nigeria recently tightened legal discrimination against LGBT people.

Rick Perry, a now long-shot for the Republican nomination, upon hearing Clinton's speech, shared the thought that "Promoting special rights for gays in foreign countries is not in America’s interests and not worth a dime of taxpayers’ money." You can read more about his stance here.

While I don't that the U.S. has the right to control foreign governments (much as we did in a great portion of Latin America and other nations during the Cold War to "prevent Communism"), I believe that it is our right as a nation to give aid to those countries who uphold human dignity. I also believe that it should not be illegal to love someone. And I'm sure that this speech will not change anything overnight, but it is more hope.

And we could all use a little of that.

MI Hate: Joyce Daniels

I do not know Joyce Daniels. She doesn't know me either. She probably doesn't know any gay New Yorkers, if I had to guess.

And yet, as a mayoral candidate (now mayor) of Troy, Michigan (a city right next to the one in which I grew up), she posted on facebook: “I think I am going to throw away my I Love New York carrying bag now that queers can get married there.”

There is so much wrong with this. To suggest that one should discard a product simply because it was made in a place with disagreeable public policy is not a new idea. That, after all, is behind the Fair Trade movement. However, Daniels wasn't making a blanket statement that, for instance, she wouldn't keep things made in China because the country has a communist government. She was singling out one group with a hateful slur.

She has since removed the statement, and made some comment that it perhaps wasn't the best language to use, but she said it. She can't take it back. It's floating out there now with all its negative energy and political ramifications. 

This is why I don't identify as queer - I know that it's become an umbrella term for the LGBTA movement for some people, including one of the undergraduate student groups at MSU. But I will not claim hate and ignorance. I will not be discarded like this tote she has thrown out. I will stand up, because for me, that is what Committing in the Mitten is all about.

MI Love: Hazelnut Hot Chocolate

Sparty's is the MSU-brand convenience store. Some of them are also cafes, including the one in Hubbard Hall where I work as a tutor. I'm not always impressed with what I get at Sparty's; I'm not sure they've ever made me a chai that tasted like one. However, they have rocked my socks with their latest seasonal flavor: hazelnut hot chocolate.

I don't know how I've never thought of it. I love hazelnut coffee. I love hot chocolate. It makes so much sense that they'd be delicious together. Thank you, Sparty's!

Yet another reason to GO GREEN!

Finals Week

Sometimes I say that Rebecca and I are just like any normal couple. Well, as normal as a couple can be when one of them is in med school and the other is in grad school. Advanced degrees don't lend themselves well to normal lives.

So a normal part of our abnormal lives is finals week. We've both worked hard all semester and expect to do well, but there's still that looming uncertainty. In my case, I have one exam, a presentation, and an online portfolio. I have no idea how many exams Rebecca has, but probably a lot. She's done a week from today and then will fly out to visit family in California for a week or so. I'll be staying home trying to work on my thesis.

During my undergrad, I once blogged about how school is kind of like a video game - each year is a level, and the end of each semester is a save point. Graduating is beating the game.

Not too much longer.

My Gay Christmas

Rebecca and I officially started off the Christmas season on December 1st with Christmas music.

A very gay, very sassy Christmas tree followed on Saturday - the tree is not gay, but the decorations might be, given the proportion of purple to everything else.

Finals will then interrupt our jolly season until the 11th, when we are hosting a Christmas cookie collective. If you are in the Lansing area, you should come help and then take home an assortment of sweet treats.

We wish you a gay holiday season!

Floral Global Chic

The theme for our commitment ceremony is "Global Chic." Basically, I want it to be a fun and elegant representation of beautiful things from many cultures. In my travels, I've seen orchids in Ecuador, Peru, and Taiwan, so it just felt natural to have them at the ceremony.

I've been buying them a few at a time with coupons from a couple different stores. (The Lansing World market was out of red out on the floor after my last visit, but I think I'm all set on red anyway.) We'll have four colors: red, pink, purple, and white, which will be dispersed through the venue.

MI Hate: Employment Discrimination

I love so much about Michigan. I hope that's clear from quite a few of my posts.

However, there's a lot of hate here. One of the most discriminatory policies allows employers to fire employees that they even suspect are gay. The Don't Change Yourself. Change the Law campaign is working to end this. One of their more hilarious tactics is a set of "not-gay" recommendations designed to help LGBT individuals stay in the closet. If you believe that people should keep their jobs based on performance, not sexual orientation, visit their website and tell House Speaker Bolger to change the law.

Date Change

So I mentioned in a previous post that we have changed our date. I didn't post why because I didn't want to "out" someone else's news . . . BUT now I think it's safe to tell you:

Rebecca and I are going to be aunts!

Her sister is expecting and is due on June 14th, which was very close to our original ceremony date. While odds were that it would have been okay, we really didn't want to risk that Emily and Greg would miss it. Fortunately Gone Wired still had earlier spots open (okay, so that far ahead, I don't know if they have anything booked; they don't do events like weddings very often). We had reasons for choosing that date, but they paled in comparison to having our loved ones there.

Since we don't know the gender of our new niece or nephew yet, we're calling him/her the Ewok until further information comes in. Yes, as in Star Wars. Yes, there is probably a plush Ewok toy coming for the baby shower. We just couldn't help ourselves.

MI Love: Dairy Store

Michigan State University is sometimes referred to as "Moo U." I wear our land grant heritage proudly, although MSU has expanded far beyond agricultural fields now.

One bonus to a school with a bovine research, food processing, and food packaging programs?

The ice cream.

MSU's Dairy Store is famous for its innovative flavors, including one for each Big Ten School, as well as other whimsical flavors related to Spartan life. My favorites are Frozen Four (bright green mint ice cream with tiny peppermint patties) and Buckeye Blitz (so sue me if I'm in love with the Ohio State flavor - it has tiny chocolate-coated peanut butter balls in it).

Given that our ceremony will be sometime in the hours of 4-5 and a light meal will follow almost immediately, with cake at an undecided time, there might be a need for a snack . . . and the Dairy Store has changeover buckets at very affordable prices. (Changeover buckets are the result of an effort to clean the ice cream machine as little as possible. Flavors are cycled through from vanilla into the more exotic things, leaving a bucket in between flavors that can't be sold at the ice cream shop. These are available to resident mentors for free or to the public for purchase.)

A shout out also to Dairy Store cheese - I love their cheddar for grilled cheese or in chowder.

MI Gay Monday

9:00 am
Wake up. Greet my gay houseguest. (She really is gay, but that is not why we are friends. We met while taking a Spanish class during our undergrad.) Chat with her a while.


10:00 am
Take a gay shower and wash my gay hair.


10:15 am
Put on gay clothes and say good morning to my lesbian, homosexual, female partner. The clothes are not gay, although they did come from Target, where Salvation Army bellringers are forbidden to chime. Perhaps Target knows that Salvation Army is very anti-gay rights.



10:30 am
Eat gay pie for gay breakfast. As in a previous post, I will admit that this is a very subversive choice. For those of you who are concerned about my gay nutritional needs, I will defend my choice by saying that each slice of pie contains a whole apple. I have a gay piece of MSU Dairy Store cheddar cheese as a protein supplement. The Dairy Store is not gay, just delicious.


10:45
Commence my gay workday of staring at my gay computer. My work is not gay, just me. The computer is not gay, although it would not shock me to learn that Macs are the preferred technology for the LGBT population. I read some gay articles, create a gay reading guide, and spend time using the gay library search sites. The articles, reading guide, and library site are not gay, just me.

11:45
My lesbian, homosexual, female partner leaves for a meeting about residency match. These are just the sorts of things that prevent her from being a properly subversive LGBT woman.



2:00
Have a gay lunch of gay leftover pizza. The pizza really is gay, since I made it myself by hand. (Gay money is very tight right now, so ordering pizza is too expensive.)


2:30
Return to my gay work.


4:00
My lesbian, homosexual, female partner and I take a gay dessert break from our gay work. These sorts of breaks are important. Without them, we might become weary of our exhausting, subversive lifestyle.


4:30
Return to my gay work.


5:30
Leave for my other gay work in the gay ESL Help Room. The room is not gay, just me.


8:00
Return home to make gay dinner. It is not remarkable - just spaghetti and garlic bread.


8:30
Watch some gay TV with my lesbian, homosexual, female partner. The TV is not gay - we watch Bones - just us.

Children, Hairspray, and Chely Wright

Rebecca and I are putting together music that we'd like to include in our ceremony and reception. I really wanted to use something from my days as a band geek. At first, I was really excited about Entry March of the Boyares, but Rebecca didn't like the feel of it - "too Russian," she said.

Then I recalled Children's March by Percy Grainger, a song that strongly featured the clarinet section in my sophomore year Harold and the Purple Crayon marching band show. I have fond memories of our rehearsals of the piece and love the happy melody. I played it for Rebecca, but she wasn't convinced. Then we started talking about Percy Grainger - she too had enjoyed the whimsy of his musical notation, although she can't remember what piece she played. So I pulled up Country Garden, which didn't sound familiar. When I played The Immovable Do, a song composed around the premise that the Do key on an organ had gotten stuck, she decided that she liked it. We had played this for concert band festival at some point, and one clear memory was of the announcer pronouncing the title as The Immovable Doo, as though we were playing for a hairspray commercial. (The correct pronunciation is The Immovable Doe, as in the scale Do-Re-Mi-Fa-So-La-Ti.)

That means we have one song, although we haven't determined where to place it yet. Our friend Cait Ryan will be singing a song during the ceremony, likely It Was by Chely Wright, a lesbian country singer who has recently come out and performed at our first Pride Parade (Cait's version will not be country-style, though). So that totals to two. We'll be looking for others for the next several months and would appreciate suggestions - especially of works composed by LGBTA musicians, but also of timeless, classic, and romantic pieces.

Premarital Counseling

After meeting with the minister, Rebecca and I set up a plan for couples' counseling with the minister. The first step was to fill out an online survey. (I won't say much about that, since Rebecca hasn't done hers yet and I'm supposed to keep the content confidential until she does.) Suffice it to say that I'm sure it will bring up some good discussion points for us as we prepare for the next step in our relationship.

The minister is great; she's very understanding of the difficulties we face as a lesbian couple, but she views us as every bit as legitimate as a straight couple. I'm looking forward to meeting with her again.

Salvation Army

A friend recently posted a link about the Salvation Army's active participation in the denial of human rights. I'm completely flummoxed by the last example listed of their "assault on gay rights." Essentially the Salvation Army threatened to close all the soup kitchens in New York City because they didn't want to treat gay and straight employees equally.

I used to have a soft spot for the Salvation Army. My grandmother tells the story every year of a Christmas during her childhood when the Sal Army brought gifts because the family was too poor that year to afford to have Christmas. I put money in the buckets almost every time I passed one. However, I read about these policies a year or so ago and have been conflicted ever since. I haven't been putting money in the red buckets this year. I hope to hear someday that the Salvation Army has changed its policies.

MI Gay Lifestyle

I recently posted a link to "My Gay Lifestyle" from the Huffington Post. This is modeled after that. I may do this from time to time.

8:00
I wake up and put on my lesbian clothes. The clothes are not remarkable, nor do they fit any particular lesbian stereotypes, but I am a lesbian, so they are lesbian clothes.

8:15
I eat a gay breakfast of chicken noodle soup. This may be my most subversive choice today. I do not worry about cultural expectations of acceptable foods for a given meal of the day.

9:00
I edit my gay online course. The course is not gay, just me, although I do work for a College of Arts and Letters, which many people feel is too liberal, bordering on being gay itself. In fact, I currently have classes with people from such programs as Philosophy and Writing, Rhetoric, and American Culture, which exist in their own happy worlds of thought. This editing involves calling the technology Help Line. I decide to live on the edge and not disclose that I am a lesbian to the person who helps me. Many people feel that people are not gay until they come out, and that choosing not to come out to everyone they meet is dishonest, but I know that I am gay, deep down, so this does not trouble me.

9:45
I drop off my lesbian, homosexual, female partner at her gay school. The school is not gay, just her. She is a medical student, which unfortunately leaves her with little time for lesbian, gay, homosexual subversive activities.

10:00
I take my gay car to the gay car dealership to have some repairs done. The car may fit lesbian stereotypes, given that it is a Jeep Liberty. My lesbian, homosexual, female partner owns this car because her parents live in the country. The dealership is not gay, just me.

10:30
The gay car dealership shuttle drops me at the mall, where I shop briefly for gay Christmas presents. In fact, I look at gay dresses at a gay shop. The dresses and shop are not gay, just me. I do disclose to the saleswoman that I am shopping for my partner. She may have been surprised, given that everyone knows that lesbians never wear feminine clothing such as dresses.

11:00
I go to a gay cafe to do some gay reading. The cafe is not gay, just me. I order a hot chocolate. I wish now that I had ordered some kind of wheat grass, as that is what a good lesbian should drink. My reading is not gay; it is for my phonology class. In fact, this class is so normal that the classmates to whom I've come out were surprised to learn that I am a lesbian. Clearly, my subversion is working, since I have managed to stealthily blend in to the normal people so that I may take them by surprise when I rip the fabric of American society to shreds.

1:30
The gay dealership calls me to tell me that my gay car is ready. I go pick it up.

2:00
I return home and bake some gay cookies. My lesbian, homosexual, female partner has friends coming over tonight. They are not gay, and I am sure that the gay cookies will not change that.

3:00
I pick up my lesbian, homosexual, female partner from school. We come home and clean the apartment to prepare for her friends' visit.

4:30
I meet some friends for coffee. They are normal people. It may be surprising how many normal people are our friends.

6:00
I work in the gay ESL Help Room. The Help Room is not gay, just me. No one comes today, except for an undergraduate who speaks English as his first language. I think he is a normal person, but it is hard to tell, just like it is hard sometimes to tell that I am a lesbian.

8:00
I return home to do some gay phonology homework while waiting for my lesbian homosexual female partner to come home from dinner with her normal friends.

10:00
My lesbian, homosexual, female partner and I watch a gay movie. The movie is about Christianity and homosexuality, so it really is gay. We learn that many Biblical scholars believe that homosexuality and Christianity are in fact compatible. This may come as a surprise to many people.

12:00
My lesbian, homosexual, female partner and I go to bed and fall asleep after talking about life, the universe, and everything. Our deep gay sleep prepares us for another gay day.

MI Love: Cranberries

Recently at Horrock's Farm Market, Rebecca and I bought Michigan cranberries. I'm in love with the tart little fuchsia pearls. My mom used to buy them on sale and freeze them so that she could bake with them all winter.

My favorite cranberry recipe is a Cranberry Citrus Muffin that my mom used to make. However, the most quintessential cranberry recipe, the one that best features the cranberry, is the Thanksgiving staple: cranberry sauce. My mother's (and grandmother's) recipe is a 4:2:1 proportion - 4 parts cranberries to 2 parts to sugar to 1 part water. Then follow the directions on the bag - basically make a syrup, add the cranberries, and cook them until they start to pop (and your kitchen smells like Thanksgiving).

Photographer

We have a photographer booked!

A friend from my days in International Teaching Assistant Programs and the Language Culture Partner Program, who also happens to be an amazing photographer, has agreed to shoot the wedding in exchange for a round-trip plane ticket from NYC to Michigan. Given that we're not going to find a photographer who's worked for Barney's for that price anywhere else, and Jack is a friend to boot, we're going with it.

 You can view Jack's work on his website, if you're interested.

My Gay Day

Early on in the conception of this blog, a friend and I talked about the implication of a "gay lifestyle." People who use this term seem to imply that the only thing I ever am, could be, or do is be a lesbian.

Huffington Post Gay Voices has a post that illustrates this very nicely. I hope you enjoy as much as I did, and find it enlightening. I may, from time to time, post something similar, if it is ever the case that I think you will find my day that interesting.

We Have a Minister!

When I talked to my pastor about officiating at our commitment ceremony, he recommended that I contact a colleague of his from Edgewood United Church of Christ in East Lansing. She has experience performing commitment ceremonies, something we want to help give our ceremony structure while maintaining a joyful and nontraditional feel.

At first it looked like she wouldn't be available, but we ended up changing our ceremony date (the reason will be a separate blog post). We meet with her next week and are very excited to talk with her about our life together and the vows that we will take.

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Days

If you had asked me three years ago what the worst days in my life were, I would have had to think about it. I'm sure I would have come up with something, but nothing that I relive, nothing that stands out as much as the three from the past three years.

The first was coming out to Rebecca's parents. While they have since welcomed me to the family in every way, the night Rebecca and I came out to them was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad night. They said many things out of anger and fear that I'm sure they wouldn't repeat now.

The second was the day that, through a combination of circumstances (some our own fault and some not), Rebecca and I became homeless and had to move all of our belongings. Fortunately, a close friend allowed us to store things in his basement and sleep on his floor. We are forever grateful to him for his kindness and generosity. My heart goes out to the many Michiganders who have found themselves without a home during the economic downturn. Rebecca and I were able to find a lease within four days, something that many people haven't been able to do.

The third was the day when my parents and I discussed the fact that I am a lesbian. Their religious beliefs are different from mine, and we had a huge disagreement about the morality of my relationship with Rebecca. I wish I could say that there was a bright spot in this one, or that everything has resolved for the best, but I suspect that the aftermath of that particular terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day will linger longer.

The fact that two of my three bad days have related to coming out is not unusual. For most LGBT people, coming out is a difficult process. While society has become more accepting, reactions still vary wildly. What gives me hope is the fact that my LGBT friends have shared their own coming out stories. In some cases, family members or close friends were accepting at first. In many more, the initial reaction was negative. In most of these, their families eventually came to some type of understanding. I hope that my story becomes one of the latter.

MI Love: Apples

Michigan is a huge producer of apples. I grew up an apple connoisseur - we picked apples every year and I know exactly what I like, down to which apples are okay at a grocery store and which must be picked fresh. One of my Asian friends was shocked to hear how many different kinds of apples there are. She thought there were three:  red, green, and yellow.

To celebrate Michigan apple season, Rebecca and I are hosting a caramel apple party. Given that it takes a certain amount of caramel to dip even one apple, and that amount will coat several more apples than Rebecca and I can eat, we decided to have some people over to share in the process. We hope it will be an evening to enjoy Michigan produce and the company of people we love.

Happy Coming Out Day!

I'm not entirely out of the closet . . . I've got one foot still in there. The reasons are complicated.

But this year is my first Coming Out Day where I've been more out than in. And that is progress.

I'm not gay until you know I'm gay

Josh Healey - Coming Out Straight

A friend recently sent me a link to this video, and I think it sums up the feelings of many gay people.

Straight people come out all the time. They mention their husbands and wives, their girlfriends and boyfriends, dates they've gone on, their exes. They rarely announce, "Hey, I'm straight. I just wanted you to know." Coming out for an LGBT individual is "supposed" to be this kind of announcement. And even if I choose to come out by mentioning my partner, much as a straight person would, I hesitate, and I question whether I should have done it. This is because people assume that a person is straight until shown otherwise, unless the person meets certain stereotypes.

So what if people had to come out as straight the way that people are expected to come out as gay? Josh Healey takes a stab at the situation, at least for his family. It would be very different for my family - very, very different. But the comparison holds true, I think.

How do you come out, consciously or unconsciously? And what have been reactions to that?

Homophobia

People often assert that they are not homophobes while also opposing gay rights. I wonder what they mean by this.

Wikipedia, clearly the leading authority on the subject, defines homophobia as "a term used to refer to a range of negative attitudes and feelings towards lesbian, gay and in some cases bisexual, transgender people and behavior, although these are usually covered under other terms such as biphobia and transphobia." The Anti-Defamation League used a more focused definition, "Homophobia is the hatred or fear of homosexuals - that is, lesbians and gay men - sometimes leading to acts of violence and expressions of hostility." Then there's Merriam-Webster weighing in with "irrational fear of, aversion to, or discrimination against homosexuality or homosexuals." 

Clearly, there is no real consensus on what constitutes homophobia. Maybe Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart's remark about pornography, "I know it when I see it," applies here.

So, what's your definition of homophobia? How do you know when someone is a homophobe?

Question for My Readers

Someone recently told me that choosing to stay in the closet was tantamount to admitting that being a lesbian is wrong. But then I've also heard gay people told to keep their sexual preferences under wraps; it's ok as long as you don't talk about it (DADT, anyone?).

So here's the question. Is staying in the closet an admission of guilt? Why else might people choose not to share their sexual preferences?

Apologies for my Absence

Hi everyone,

Sorry that it's been so long since I posted. Classes have started again, and Rebecca and I are both very busy with school.

We did go down to our venue today to get a feel for it and to see how we might want to set up the ceremony.

I hope I'll get around to posting more soon.

All Dolls are the Same

In the movie Guys and Dolls, one character asserts that "all dolls are the same." This turns into a bet . . . to find out what happens, you'll have to watch it. (It's really good, I promise.)

I, along with a healthy percentage of the population, disagree with this statement. It is clearly preposterous to suggest that all women are the same. Remove the dolls, now.

"All __________ are the same."

What have you heard there, explicitly or implicitly? All Blacks? All Republicans? All lesbians?

At Rebecca's institution of higher education, there seems to be a belief that "all minority student groups are the same." Hence, there is an attempt being made to consolidate a human rights group, a pro-choice group, a feminist group, and the LGBTA group. We don't know what is going to happen, but the LGBTA group is currently discussing how to avoid this consolidation and remain a strong, independent advocate for the LGBT community.

Let's hope the opposition wins the bet this time.

Are You Family?

Rebecca and I were on our way through the service counter at the Mexico City airport earlier this week when we were offered customs forms. The man looked at us and asked, "Are you family?"

We looked at him, a little taken aback. We knew that families could fill out one form, but we also knew that we legally wouldn't be considered family. We ended up saying, "For these purposes, we're not."

It was a terrible feeling, as though my family is somehow less of a family than a straight, married couple's. Michelle Bachmann, a Republican presidential candidate of The Marriage Proposal fame, has even stated that she does not consider a gay couple with children to be a family.

If the Respect for Marriage Act passes and Rebecca and I were married in any state, we could have filled out one form and declared our purchases the way we bought them: together.

So here's the question: what's your definition of family? and what should we have said?

That Thing

We did that thing. The thing that every bride-to-be does, without meaning to. The thing that ends up being a problem in the end when everything is said and done. The thing that most brides promise themselves not to do.

I don't mean being a bride-zilla, although I'm sure that will happen at some point (and when it does, I promise to hang my head in shame and write a post about it).

I mean that we spent more than we intended to and created extra work for ourselves.

See, I had this brilliant idea. We're in México, right? And we love Mexican art. We'd already purchased two amate paintings. Then I thought, why not use amate paintings for our invitations? Surely we could find an artisan willing to sell us 60 or so for a good price. We had already calculated that getting them printed through a standard printing website would be about $50, so certainly we could do it for that.

So we headed down to the artisan market. We did, in fact, find amate in the perfect size. We did, in fact, find exquisitely beautiful amate. The only problem? Amate generally costs about 10 pesos, or a little less than $1. We bargained with a couple different vendors, since nobody had enough paintings to buy from a single artisan, and we ended up paying $550 pesos, or about $50.

This sounds good, right? It sounds like we came out at the same price. However, we've now given the mouse a cookie, because we cannot simply mail people an amate painting. We still must get a card printed and put into an envelope. The plan is to buy blank note cards a little bigger than the paintings and rubber cement the paintings to the front after we print them off at home. Still, this is an added expense and effort.

So we did that thing. Anyone want to come help us assemble invites?

The Gay Agenda: Support the One I Love

I grew up in a church that believes that all "homosexuals" have a radical gay agenda. This includes things such as lowering the age of sexual consent and marriage, having access to child pornography, allowing for polyamory or polygamy, and teaching young children about how gay people have sex.

I've seen alternative agendas posted. For me today, my to-do list was to go to Cuentepec to see life out there, come home, and spend time with Rebecca, maybe via a trip to the movies. Her agenda was to go to Spanish class, pick up our laundry, and cook me dinner. She later added to the agenda: support Erin through a crisis.

My crisis is a medical one, so it's kind of nice to have a medical student with me. Negotiating the Mexican health care system has been a challenge so far, and it's nice to have someone to lean on (who will also insist that I get the care I need no matter how difficult the process).

Tomorrow's gay agenda is pretty much the same - get appropriate medical care. Then we might add in visiting some ruins or doing temazcal, a traditional steam house.

How about you? What have you heard about the gay agenda? What are your favorite parodies? What's your agenda for tomorrow?

In the Closet

Rebecca and I are in Cuernavaca, a city about an hour and a half outside of Mexico City. We both have some classes planned, and maybe I will post about them once they've started and we see how they're going.

This post, though, is about what it is to be a lesbian traveling in a foreign country. Mexico is very Catholic, and I don't know what the general attitude is toward homosexuality, but I don't really want to find out the hard way. We've been keeping any gestures of affection to the guest house we're renting. I've seen online that there are some gay bars, which might be nice to visit, if only for the cultural experience, but so far we're not much for venturing out later in the evening.

Ironically, Mexico, a developing country, allows for gay marriage, while the U.S. does not. The exact system is interesting. Gay marriage is permitted in the Distrito Federal (Mexico City) and in one other state. However, once married, a couple is recognized in every state. If only the U.S. could be so progressive. The trouble is that legal recognition is not the same as social acceptance.

So we're hiding in the closet again.

Wow, I Wish I Were Sleeping

It's 12:30 AM, and I am wishing to be asleep. I have insomnia (on a more and more regular basis, lately), and I've discovered that I am rarely productive in the middle of the night.

Tonight was a small exception. I started looking at wedding invitation designs online. I'm thinking something orange, because Rebecca loves it (you should see our dining room if you don't believe me). I might also consider purple, since we both love it, and there are probably some very sassy designs out there in one of those two colors.

I have no idea how much invitations are supposed to cost. My plan is either to order them online through VistaPrint or PrintingforLess, or to purchase a set at an office supply store and print them at home. I don't need anything too fancy.

Then there's also the question of what to put on the invitations. There's the obvious: our names, the date, time, and venue, and where to RSVP. There's also the obvious NEVER included - where the couple is registered. However, I've noticed that many wedding invitations appear to be sent from the parents of the bride or from both sets of parents. In our case, that's not the case, but we still want to make it clear that there are people in our lives supporting us, and we certainly don't want to be disrespectful to the parents who are less than excited about our coming commitment.

We said that this didn't need to be traditional, and it doesn't. I don't mind changing things that I feel are old-fashioned or unnecessary. However, I don't want to be tacky. How important is it to pretend that the invitations didn't come from us? Is there a good way to handle that?

About our Venue

My last two posts have been very serious, although about happenings that leave room for rejoicing. It's time for something a little bit more fun!

Rebecca and I didn't consider very many places when looking to book a venue. We don't have a lot of money, don't want a large enough wedding to necessarily warrant a hall, and we had less than a year ahead of time (for a June wedding, in the thick of wedding season), so a lot of places would already have been reserved.

The two places we seriously considered were Perspective 2, a loft space in Lansing's Old Town, and Gone Wired Cafe on the east side of Lansing. Both are nontraditional locations for a wedding. Perspective 2 has a very open feel with exposed brick, a tin ceiling, and more importantly, a nice kitchen in the back of the space so that we could self-cater. It has a feel of understated elegance. Gone Wired is a funky cafe with tea drinks, Italian soda, great coffee, and some real food offerings. Various groups meet there on a regular basis, including a church. Also, there's a balcony space with tables large enough to play boardgames (a favorite pastime for Rebecca and me).

So which did we choose? It came down to three factors: money, overall feel, and ease of use. Perspective 2 offered us a great deal - $810 including everything except food. However, the loft was on a ground floor, so the view was less than desirable, and it was hard to picture the kind of reception we wanted. Another downside? Having to self cater. I love cooking, and I love being in control of what is served, but food for 50 people on top of what we'll already have to do that day is a lot to get done. Gone Wired hosts this kind of event and told me right away that if we ordered food, there would be no space reservation fee (if we hadn't ordered food, it would be about $550). When I told them what kind of food and drinks we're planning on having, she quoted me $20 per person - $1000 total. Even better, I could see myself moving around the cafe greeting guests, playing games, and listening to karaoke. It was an easy choice: we're excited to be hosting at Gone Wired Cafe!

Senate Hears Testimony about Respect for Marriage Act

 http://www.hrcbackstory.org/2011/07/senate-judiciary-committee-hears-testimony-on-respect-for-marriage-act/

If you're looking for a sound legal argument as to why DOMA should be considered unconstitutional, Judge Joseph L. Tauro said it well:

By premising eligibility for these benefits on marital status in the first instance, the federal government signals to this court that the relevant distinction to be drawn is between married individuals and unmarried individuals. To further divide the class of married individuals into those with spouses of the same sex and those with spouses of the opposite sex is to create a distinction without meaning.

Historically, states have determined who can marry, not the federal government, which means that if a state decides that a same sex couple should marry, the federal government is currently not providing that couple equal protection under the law. So what does the Respect for Marriage Act actually do? According to Evan Wolfson, founder and president of Freedom to Marry:

The Respect for Marriage Act repeals "DOMA" in its entirety. It doesn't tell states what marriages they must celebrate or how to treat marriages, but provides that the federal responsibilities and protections accorded married couples will remain stable and predictable no matter where a couple lives, works, or travels, and no matter whether that couple is gay or non- gay. The Respect for Marriage Act doesn't require any person, religious organization, locality, or state to celebrate or license any marriage, gay or non-gay. The First Amendment protects the right of churches and religious bodies to determine the qualifications for religious marriage, and the Respect for Marriage Act cannot and will not upset that longstanding protection. 

The Respect for Marriage Act cannot force Michigan to give me a marriage license. However, if I someday manage to move to a state that will, I hope to see federal recognition of that. Repeal of DOMA also makes it possible for the federal government to put into effect other legislation providing protections and equal rights to same-sex couples.

MI Hope: The Respect for Marriage Act

Today has given me new hope that Rebecca and I will someday be married in Michigan. Obama spoke in support of the Respect for Marriage Act, which would repeal the Defense of Marriage Act, one of the key pieces of legislation preventing federally recognized gay marriage. With Republicans in control of the legislature here in Michigan, it's unlikely that we will see domestic partnerships or civil unions here anytime soon, and the state has a constitutional amendment defining marriage as between one man and one woman, so something will likely have to happen federally for gay marriage to be a possibility here.

Granted, the Respect for Marriage Act is not going to pass soon, but it gives me reason to believe that Rebecca and I can one day pursue our dream of moving to Detroit, opening a practice, renovating a house, and helping the community.

And that deserves a hooray!

Having our Cake . . .

. . . and eating it too.

Rebecca and I both love the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding - it's a great look at family, breaking tradition, and the joy of an unexpected and unlikely match-up. In fact, this blog was going to be titled "My Big Fat Gay Wedding," until we googled and found out that title was taken (it's a great blog - you can read it here).

One of our favorite scenes is when the two families meet for the first time. The hostess gift is a bundt cake that causes confusion and laughter. We decided quite some time ago that the centerpieces at our commitment ceremony will be bundt cakes, likely with small vases of flowers tucked into the middle. Neither one of us really likes traditional wedding cake, especially with fondant (if you've had really good wedding cake, please tell us about it, because we feel it might be kind of like a unicorn). We've already decided that one of them (I think we'll have five or six altogether) will be a rich chocolate orange cake. The other flavors are as yet undetermined (take the poll to the right!).

Here are some flavors we're considering, but we'd love feedback, suggestions, or recipes.

Lemon poppyseed
Carrot
Red velvet
Confetti
Apple cinnamon
Marble

Welcome!

Hello! We're glad you decided to stop by.

So who are we, anyway?

Rebecca is a second year osteopathic medical student at Michigan State University. I'm a second year graduate student in the master of arts in Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages (TESOL) program at Michigan State. That alone would make for a challenging relationship, but we also live in Michigan, a state with a constitutional ban on gay marriage.

For many reasons, we put off having a commitment ceremony. Among them was a hope that we would soon move to a state where gay marriage, civil unions, or domestic partnerships were available. However, "soon" is three years away, and it also feels like admitting defeat.

We were both born in Michigan and love the state. Our preference would be to stay, if we can get the legal protection that we need. So we've scheduled a commitment ceremony in Lansing for June 16, 2012. Not only are we committing to each other, but we commit to fighting for LGBT rights in the state of Michigan. We hope that this blog will be a part of that effort. We also hope to make this blog a space to share the joys of being a couple in love and the humor in planning a non-traditional ceremony.

We'd also love to "meet" you! Please share your ideas, your blogs, and your questions for us.