Rebecca and I were on our way through the service counter at the Mexico City airport earlier this week when we were offered customs forms. The man looked at us and asked, "Are you family?"
We looked at him, a little taken aback. We knew that families could fill out one form, but we also knew that we legally wouldn't be considered family. We ended up saying, "For these purposes, we're not."
It was a terrible feeling, as though my family is somehow less of a family than a straight, married couple's. Michelle Bachmann, a Republican presidential candidate of The Marriage Proposal fame, has even stated that she does not consider a gay couple with children to be a family.
If the Respect for Marriage Act passes and Rebecca and I were married in any state, we could have filled out one form and declared our purchases the way we bought them: together.
So here's the question: what's your definition of family? and what should we have said?
I think in your situation I would have said "not legally" or "no", even though it would make me sad to say it.
ReplyDeleteMy definition of "family" would be very broad and include extended family, stepchildren of extended family members that are seen often but legally unrelated, and sometimes even really close friends.
My definition of "immediate family", which I think is what would apply in this situation would be the people you have a committed, long term relationship with and usually cohabitate with (normally one adult or two adults who are in a long-term relationship and their minor children, although I might argue for young adult children and older generations that live with them to be included as well). In an ideal world the legal definition of family would match this as well, and hopefully in the not too distant future society will look at people like Michelle Bachmann the way they look at racist people now, as puzzling, outdated, bigoted, and not worth listening to.
Thanks for your comment - I hope for the same things.
ReplyDeleteMy definition of family in the social sense includes close friends, the kinds of people that stand up in your wedding, get called aunts and uncles even though they're not, and insist on getting together as a "family."
Legally, I believe that two consenting adults should be able to be legally bound together and that any children or other dependents are also part of that family.
I think in that exact situation, with the way things are right now, I would have said "no" just to make sure that I wasn't putting myself in danger of doing something illegal.
ReplyDeleteAs for what family is? I think that family is whatever you make of it. My immediate family is my husband, my dog, my maternal grandmother, and my maternal great aunt. My extended family? I would say that includes friends from all over the country as well as a few additional members of what would traditionally be considered my "family", though I would not include my dad in this. I've always had a difficult time understanding why I needed to include people who were technically family (e.g. aunts and uncles), but I didn't know as people. As I've become an adult, I've taken the stance that having a relationship with those people means that I would want to have them as friends. I don't think it's worth wasting time on people just because they're "family" if they're great sources of negative emotion without bringing anything positive to the table.
It's interesting, isn't it, that you separate "technically" or "traditionally" family from your true family. I think, to some degree, I do the same thing.
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