Two women seeking equality in a state where some couples are more equal than others.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Baltimore, Wedding Cake, and Heartache

Dear readers,

The last few days have been highly emotional ones.

The demonstrators in Baltimore have brought to light even more oppression in the United States, and at the same time, a select few people have further damaged a city that was already struggling.

The Supreme Court has heard oral arguments on marriage equality. Issues of religious liberty continue to spark explosive debates about the balance of following the legal system in place in a nation while expressing one's religion freely - and this will not be decided by the outcome of the marriage equality case in front of them. In addition, I've been continuing to see, or perhaps even seeing more of, discussions justifying reparative therapy and putting forth the notion that it's possible to "pray away the gay," framed as though this and many other cliches are not tired repetitions of the same harmful notions that have caused the suicide, substance abuse, and despair of so many whose prayers weren't answered.

I don't have answers for this. Every time I think I have a knot untangled, I realize that one of the loops was actually ensnared in a bigger knot. But I have seen a small glimmer of hope packaged in a Facebook thread, so I'd like to share it with you. I think that it exemplifies many of principles I had hoped for in my post about bringing civility to online discussions. I'm going to share it with you with the names redacted to initials (if you were involved in this thread and would like your full name included, let me know):

My initial post:
"I have no good words for today. My heart hurts to see the #‎baltimore‬ #‎blacklivesmatter‬ push for equality when I selfishly want 24/7 coverage of #‎lovemustwin‬ #‎scotus‬ ‪#‎marriageequality because the outcome of that benefits me. My heart hurts to see how slowly we're arcing toward justice. Let's join together to pray for equality and peace, beloved humans."

Response from L:
"It's not selfish when you're fighting for equality as well. It's sad that the rioters are getting more attention than the other 10,000 peaceful #blacklivesmatter protestors. Your battle matters as much as theirs, even though theirs is different because of recent events that have unfolded. Keep fighting for human equality and never think you're selfish about it, because you're not a selfish person."

My response:
"Although I'm obviously not rioting, and I don't support violence, I understand how they feel. They have peacefully protested for decades, tried to get the right to vote to change things, have tried the things that society tells them to do, and have seen little, or even no, progress. I'm hopeful, because marriage equality is in the courts and following procedure and may get recognition legally, but I'm fed up after just a few years in this fight."

Response from L:
"It sucks because violence doesn't solve violence. They feel they have no other option. They need a strong advocate to help lead them in a positive direction or else it's just going to get worse. We sadly live in a backward nation that has always seen skin color as a separator. At this moment it's a fight between the protectors of society and an entire race of humans. A strong human being needs to step up and become someone who is worthy of changing history for these misguided people. Social media also needs to stop televising the riots because it's only evoking fear and feeding society with hatred instead of inspiring change."

My response:
"I can't help feeling that they've had strong leaders, peaceful ones, more than most of us even know, and many have been assassinated. MLK was one of many. They don't need to come up with a leader. Society needs to change."

Response from R:
"There are many factors that have gone into these riots, as you have stated. Change is needed. Changes in police policy. Changes in the way we discuss our problems in our homes. Changes in visible Black leadership (because Erin is right, for every MLK Jr. and Malcom X there are many, many less visual leaders of the black community). And changes in our hearts. Because it isn't an us or them issue. It is a human rights issue.
And quite frankly, my heart hurts going on Facebook after these events. People just spew hate.
And Erin, I hope your change comes today.
"
(emphasis applied by Erin)


Monday, April 27, 2015

Guest Post: Please Don't Call Me Catholic Anymore

Note to readers: My friend Kate, who has written a guest post previously, linked here, asked me to share this with you. I was incredibly moved (and saddened) by her story. I thought adding a voice to mine in terms of the deep longing members of the LGBT community have to participate in Christian fellowship but the pain of being rejected from spiritual groups they used to call home might expand on this for some of you.


I was raised Catholic my entire life.  I was baptised and confirmed according to schedule and spent 13 years under the care of nuns and other teachers at 3 different Catholic schools.  For most of my childhood, I went to church every weekend.  Don’t get me wrong.  We weren’t perfect Catholics.  We skipped some weekends, and did not observe holy days of obligation outside of Christmas, Easter, and Ash Wednesday.  My parents always encouraged free thinking and had many conversations with me where I was taught that it was okay to question things about your faith and not agree with everything that is taught in homilies and Sunday school.   All in all, I would say that I know Catholic teachings better than a lot of Catholics who go to church on a regular basis, and I was never exposed to any other faiths.

In college, I finally accepted a very important thing about myself.  I am gay.  While I have been in relationships with guys, none of them have left me as fulfilled as the relationships I have had with women.  I had already felt myself starting to drift away from the Catholic church at the time, but this was pretty much the final straw for me.  The Catholic church teaches that while there is nothing wrong with homosexual thoughts, it is sinful to be in a homosexual relationship.  Therefore, all homosexual people are being called to a life of celibacy.  I have a close relationship with God.  I  know what he is calling me to do.  My entire life I have felt the calling to be a wife, and to be a mother.  And if the Catholic church said that the only way that I could do that was to be with a man, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a part of it anymore.

But I got in contact with a former youth minister of mine.  She was a youth minister at a church not far from me, and she needed adults to join the adult team for the high school youth group.  This youth minister did not know I was gay, and I decided it did not matter.  I feel it is important for teens to have a safe place to go to express their faith, no matter what that faith might be.  I had been looking to find some sort of volunteering position, and it seemed like God was placing this one right in my lap.

I volunteered for two years under her leadership, all the while, keeping my sexuality hidden from her and most people around me.  Only those closest to me knew, and I decided that was the way I wanted it.  I did not want to be judged or defined by my sexuality.  When I had someone I wanted to introduce to people, I would come out then.  But until that point, it was not a big enough part of me to share with the world.

After two years, my friend quit her post as youth minister and a new one took over.  I got along with him great and I continued to volunteer.  In the spring of his first year, I met Marie.  I knew this relationship was different.  I knew it was going somewhere.  I knew that I was ready to tell the world.  I also knew the Catholic teachings and I knew that I had agreed to respect them within the confines of the church.  So I did one of the hardest things I had ever had to do.  I went to the new youth minister and had a meeting.  I knew in my heart that there was a good chance I was going to be asked to leave.I told him that I would continue to teach the Catholic teachings to the teens and would not mention my relationship to anyone.  This was not a stretch.  I had taught other things I disagreed with and I don’t feel that it is appropriate for teens and the adults to be discussing relationships of any kind.  He said it wasn’t a problem.  He said that as long as the teens didn’t find out, he did not want to lose me as a volunteer.

I was relieved.  I didn’t want to lose the position I had held for 3 years.  However, in the fall, circumstances beyond my control caused me to have graduate classes on Wednesday nights.  I hated it.  I was not able to go to a single meeting that semester.  I missed the teens terribly, and though I had defriended all the teens so that they would not find out about my relationship, I got several messages from them asking when I was coming back.  I told them that I would be back in January.  I told the youth minister I would be back in January.  

Then in November, I proposed to Marie.  I knew she was the one, and I did not want to wait any longer.  I told the youth minister about it, and he seemed genuinely happy for me.  He said that if I wanted, we could go out for dinner and talk about how comfortable I was continuing to hide my relationship.  I reiterated what I have always felt, that youth group is about the teens, and the personal lives of the adults have no place under any circumstances.  He agreed with me and that was that.  A week later, I picked my graduate classes for the winter semester.  I did not take a class that I should have just because it fell on Wednesday nights.  I wanted to go back to youth group so badly, that I rearranged my schedule for them.

In January, two days before the next meeting, I messaged the youth minister.  It simply said, “See you on Wednesday!”

I got a message back that said, “I need to call you.”

And he did call me.  He thanked me for my service, but said that they no longer had room for me to volunteer.  He said that he had had a conversation with the priest of the parish, and because of my “choice”, I was not allowed back.  He tried to put it all on the priest, saying that he had defended me and everything I had done for the teens.  He tried to say that if it was just his decision, I would be allowed to stay.  He then compared it to another adult who was also getting kicked out because she was pregnant out of wedlock.  He said it was the same situation and they could only have role models who followed the teachings of the church.  I pointed out to him that we all knew that the other adult was having sex out of marriage and she didn’t get kicked out then.  She only got kicked out when she could no longer hide it from the teens.  I was still in hiding.

His only response was that perhaps he would have to be more careful in the future about the adults allowed to help out.  I pointed out that he was losing a volunteer who knew more about the Catholic church than the other adults.  When they had questions and he was busy, they often came to me for the answers.

He asked if I understood.  I told him that I understood that he probably should have told me back in April, when I told him in the first place.  I told him that he (or if it had actually been the priest’s decision, the priest) should have told me back in November when they decided I was not a good role model any more.  I told him that because he didn’t, I had missed an opportunity to take an important class that was now full.
He acknowledged that he should have told me sooner, which I appreciated, but then he said something that I thought was completely out of line.  He invited Marie and I to come to their young adults program.  He wanted us to come and find out what the Catholic church and the bible REALLY teach.

I held my tongue and simply responded that I was not interested in being preached to.  I answered that I was involved in his church because I thought it was important for teens to have a safe place to go and to feel accepted.  If I felt the need to be “ministered to”, as he put it, it was going to be a church that was loving and accepting.  I was not going to be going to a church that apparently knew better than I did what God was calling me to do.

On Wednesdays, I still get a bit down.  After all, I spent three years of them working with some of the greatest teens I have ever met.  Slowly, the teens have started refriending me.  Out of respect, I cleared it with the current youth minister who told me that he thought it was important for me to continue my relationship with them, and even told me I could be open with them about my sexuality.  Apparently, it is okay to continue to mentor and advise them outside of the church, just not inside of it.  I have done so in a respectful way, making it seem like it was my choice to leave.  They have nearly all been supportive of me.  

I am looking for a new church to go to, but for now, I am comfortable with my relationship with God without a faith community.  One thing is for sure, however.  When someone asks me what religion I am, I will never again respond Catholic.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

No, My Profile Pic Isn't a Red Equal Sign

And it won't be. I know the Human Rights Campaign wants me to change it. I get it that it would "raise awareness" about the upcoming Supreme Court marriage equality case.

But honestly, beautiful readers, I'm tired. I'm tired of having to tell people about something that has been in the news over and over that they already know about if they generally track current events. I'm tired of having to check boxes to be entitled to civil rights. When is there enough posted on social media? When have I contributed to enough petitions? When have I shared my stories enough for you to understand? (Incidentally, you can still find my stories here. I'm not discontinuing the blog.)

My marriage exists. It's not perfect. No one's is. But I'm tired of checking boxes and having to have, at least in public, a better marriage than my heterosexual peers to be deserving of legal recognition.

The Supreme Court will not be checking my facebook profile in their decision. They shouldn't be. Social media doesn't determine whether heightened scrutiny is warranted, or whether the Constitution promises equal protection, or whether Loving v. Virginia is a reasonable precedent, or if having already allowed hundreds or thousands of couples across many of the states now in question to get married or file federal taxes would create undue hardship if they upheld state level bans on marriage equality, or whether religion gets a say in civil marriage, or whose amicus briefs have it right, or many other things that actually have bearing on this case.

No shade on those who are doing these things. In fact, props for denying cynicism and participating in the process. I voted and won't stop voted. I wrote my legislators and governor, multiple times. My story is here, in digestible installments. I don't know how putting my face in a red box again, like I did for DOMA, will help.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Bringin' Civility Back: 7 Phrases/Principles for More Respectful Web Dialogue

I'm bringin' courtesy back, cuz all the social media trolls just don't know how to act . . .

Last year, we used a book called "They Say, I Say" in my Ph.D. program. I wasn't initially sold on it, but I recommend it with some regularity now. I'm drawing somewhat on its formatting style, which is to highlight ways of phrasing statements in academic writing.

Y'all, I've been seeing a lot of facebook threads lately that utterly lack civility. I'm not saying we can't disagree or argue, or that everything has to be perfectly PC, but we also can do better than slamming the other side, generalizing/stereotyping others so that we can dismiss them, and repeating the same tired rhetoric over and over. To that end, here are some statements that CommittingintheMitten would really like to see more often:

1. "Could you clarify that?"

We often assume we know what someone means, even if we don't know that person or their comment is very brief. Instead of jumping to conclusions, ask for more information.  Another version is: "What I think you're saying is . . . do I have that right?"

2. "This has been my personal experience . . ."

If your opinion is based on personal experience, own that. Anecdotes can help statistics come to life. But their greatest strength is also their greatest weakness - if it's your story, that doesn't mean it's been the same for others. Be honest about that.

3. "From my survey of this thread, the big themes I see are . . . "

Oh, to use this one, you have to read the whole thread. If you're interested in engaging, think about what you bring to the conversation. Repeating what pundits have said, especially in cliche form, really isn't helpful. Repeating what has already been said in other comments also isn't helpful. Summarizing your interpretation and then adding your viewpoint to fill in gaps or expand is how to help us all move forward with you.

4. "Thank you for sharing your experience."

One reason many default to rhetoric is to avoid taking the risk of sharing something personal. Or, alternatively, people have downgraded themselves because in the past, no one has shown any sign of caring. If someone has shared something that has helped you understand better, whether it's someone you know or not, thanking them is a way of telling them to keep it up!

5. "I think we've gotten away from the topic at hand."

Everything is connected. Lots of things must be considered systematically. Sometimes, in a thread, another topic starts to emerge, and that's not always bad, but sometimes threads are taken over by discussion of an issue that is more salient/noticeable. Sometimes, it helps to steer back toward the original topic.

6. Ask yourself before you post: "Would I say this to a friend, to her face?"

The anonymity of the Internet does something in our heads, especially in a thread where we don't know most of the people. If you're about to post something you wouldn't be willing to own in an in-person conversation, give it a second look. Could you be kinder?

7. Ask yourself before you post: "Am I trying to find a solution, or just criticize everything everyone else says?"

Jesus rarely allowed Himself to get caught in dilemmas. When facing two bad options, He typically rejected both and found a third one. Many people object to compromise because they feel that ceding ground to the other side puts them in a moral area where they're uncomfortable. Fair enough, but is there a more creative way to solve the problem? Is criticizing the other side, particularly in its entirety, without offering a tenable suggestion, productive? Is there a genuine question you could ask to try to understand better first?


I'm sure this list isn't exhaustive. It's not that I don't want to hear what you have to say. It's just that we're all muddling through this together, and maybe sometimes people should get the benefit of the doubt. Maybe attempting to understand can take precedence over being right, particularly in a social media discussion that isn't deciding policy. We could all use a little more grace in a number of areas.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

In Defense of: Millenials

Full disclosure: I identify as a member of the Millenial generation. 9/11 was probably the single biggest impact on my adolescence, and while I remember life before the internet, I'm a digital native. I'm highly educated, concerned with social justice, and disillusioned with the current political system, which are qualities also associated with Millenials. This post, however, is less about my block of that group and more about my high school aged students who would also count as Millenials.

I know many people feel that my students are vapid narcissists who can't go a minute without checking social media. I know that many people feel that they seem entitled, shy away from hard work, and don't know the value of a dollar. Some people might say that these students are obsessed with shortcuts.

Maybe some are these things, just as members of other generations are. But let me tell you what I see.

My students - in most cases, regardless of their economic background -

are spread like butter over too much bread 

 (to quote Bilbo from Lord of the Rings). Many fight to take the challenging courses they know they will need to prepare for life after high school and then come home to piles of homework that they do well into the night, leaving them running on less sleep, in some cases, than my wife who is a medical resident. On top of this, they volunteer, participate in extracurriculars (yes, usually plural), and/or work part-time jobs (also sometimes at hours that make my head foggy in sympathetic sleep deprivation).

They are pushed to pick universities and careers at younger and younger ages. They understand so deeply that they must get postsecondary training in order to succeed that I sometimes can palpably feel their panic when something threatens that. Many also stare down the monster of a pile of student debt unless they find scholarships from what seems like an ever-shrinking pool requiring ever higher feats of strength or genius.

On top of that, their numbers - GPA and ACT - become an ingrained part of their identity. They judge, from these numbers, whether they are smart, worthy, competent. They judge whether their dreams have merit from these numbers. Many pile test prep on top of these already full schedules when what is really impeding them is the anxiety stemming from them. I wish I could tell every 16-year-old in the country that he/she is so much more than these numbers.

In response to the concern about shortcuts - I've seen these students come up with elegantly creative solutions using their graphing calculators and other forms of technology. They think differently. If we can leverage that, they will solve problems using methods that would never occur to me. They will collaborate to degrees that we cannot imagine. But sometimes they cannot solve the problems so elegantly, it's true. They're young, and the weight on them is great. It breaks my heart to tell you that I have been asked by more than one student what I think of students (without an attention deficit diagnosis or legal prescription) taking Ritalin or Adderall to improve their scores. Most know someone who has done this successfully. My answer is that these medications without the supervision of a doctor are extremely dangerous, and no matter how important the tests seem now, they aren't worth potentially dying for. Once a student told me, half joking, that I was wrong about that. Without getting into my life history, I looked into his eyes and quietly told him that suicide is not a punchline for me.

I love talking to my students about what they intend to write in their admissions essays. This is where I get to hear about their stories and dreams, where their eyes light up with hope instead of clouding with worry, where they realize that someone sees them as more than these numbers. I try not to tell them what they should do, instead asking them what they like to do, what they've considered, where they've visited, what makes them happy. I hope that I am not the only person who tells them that they should do what makes them want to get up in the morning, that they should attend the university that will support their dreams, that it's okay to admit that they don't want to work 100 hours a week for the rest of their lives.

I don't know what the answer is, but I know that my heart aches to see them.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Your Questions: My Answers

This blog exists, like most things, for a reason. Originally, I created it to keep you updated about our first wedding. Now, it has become a place for me to share my story and my heart. You have questions, so many questions, or are looking for perhaps a glimmer of your life or love story. 

I end up commenting on more than my share of articles about the church and LGBT issues. I'm trying to be more discerning in my choices so that I don't get sucked into trolling, mudslinging, personal attacks, etc. I don't always succeed, and I apologize if any of you have not found my responses as compassionate or loving as Jesus' would have been. I hope that you feel convicted - on either side of the aisle - but not shamed.

Some of you may have noticed that I sometimes post links to posts during these online discussions or may refer you to the blog. This is not a shameless plug to drive traffic. I'm always humbled and surprised when there is any traffic to my blog. I'm directing you there because while this question is new for you, or you've been wondering for a while but haven't found someone you felt comfortable asking, chances are, I've been asked your question before. I've heard the doctrinal interpretation condemning or supporting my marriage. 

I'm humbled that you think my story might shed light on your sincere questions. I'm surprised that you think I might have an interpretation worth hearing. I know that it takes courage to ask, to seek understanding and reconciliation on such a contentious issue. 

I've grown open in my life, so open, in fact, that people are surprised at what I'm willing to share, quickly, widely. I do that, readers, because I have heard your longing, my longing with you, for reconciliation. 

Why do I refer you to my blog sometimes? Because I've carefully worded these posts. I've tried to be fair and thoughtful and nuanced. 

And also, readers, because as much as I acknowledge your courage in asking, it took more courage to live my story. As you know, my life has not always been easy. No one's has, but those of you who have heard about my last six years know the pain I've seen. Some of you were there to carry that pain. I love you for that. Many of you wish you had been and have poured out compassion. 

As much courage as you have taken to ask, it has taken to live, it takes to answer. I want to. With all the love I can muster. But it is exhausting, readers, sometimes, to tell the story, to relive the pain, and sometimes, especially online, in a comment thread, I can't. I give myself permission to guard my heart and story in the name of self care. And so I refer you to this blog, to the relevant piece of my heart or story. I ask you to read first and follow up. I ask you to acknowledge the courage it has taken to discuss these things on a public blog for the evaluation of no one and the whole world at once.

If you still have questions, come for dinner at a time when I can prepare to put on a brave face or fall apart in a safe space. If you are remote, we can do Skype or Google Hangouts. I will not withhold my story, but sometimes I must delay, and I must ask for your support and for you to consider how many times I've answered and how much pain may come up. 

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Easter and Church Seeking as an LGBT woman

I've had questions from friends and pastors about my church seeking experiences. Some are just curious, and I think others hope to glean something for their church welcome team or environment. This post is intended to be timed to help the latter group out with the Easter crowd - those who have grown up in the church may be more drawn to return during Holy Week, and those who grew up unchurched may see an opportunity to try out something new on this very precious day.

While my experiences should never be taken to explain the entire LGBT community, I have a principle that I believe Hester Wheeler, the head of the NAACP in Detroit, shared with a fellowship program I was in:

At the end of the day, we all want the same things.

Rebecca and I have moved so many times and done so much church seeking in different areas that we have a few litmus tests for whether we'll return to a church. Do I know that litmus tests for this kind of thing are problematic? Yes. However, here is the primary one:

Did someone ask me my name and try to get to know me?

Wouldn't you want that? Even if you're completely the prototypical person checking out a faith community for the first time? And especially if you weren't sure if you were welcome?

Because I know that isn't really the advice people are looking for, I will share a few other red flags that are narrower to the LGBT community.

Please, please avoid cliches.

I don't want to hear you say that "it's not your place to judge," "it's not a worse sin than any other sin," or any of the other things people think are helpful. Most of the time, it tells me either that you've never really thought about this issue, or that you're lumping me into a group without getting to know me.

Okay, so what should I say about the fact that they're gay if I can't use those cliches?

If you're not sure what to say to a gay person you've just met at your church, refer to the litmus test. You just met this person. Would you comment on a straight person's perceived sexual sin if you'd just met them at an Easter service? Would you want to be asked that kind of question? What would you ask a straight person? When I first meet someone at church, I generally ask what they do for a living, or for fun, or how many siblings he/she has, or how long they've been following Jesus. If this person decides to stay, and your church believes in celibacy for the LGBT community (CommittingintheMitten has nothing kind or reasonable to say about the disproven practice of gay conversion - it's dangerous and ineffective), you can discuss that at a later time when you know this person's story. Or during the membership process. Or when that person asks. If you attend a gay affirming church, you still don't need to single out this person or couple. Ask the couple how they met, or where they live, or whether they have pets.

I'm not saying that if your church isn't 100% gay affirming, you should hide that. If the LGBT guest asks, you should address the question, or direct the guest to someone who can. I'm not saying that you have to give up what you believe in or condone a relationship you don't approve of. But you have the opportunity to share Jesus' love with someone who maybe has never felt it. You have the opportunity to share the story of redemption and the cross with someone who has maybe never truly heard it. Today isn't the day to literally or figuratively push someone out the church doors.

I hope that helps, at least a little. As I've said before, if you want more specifics or have questions, feel free to schedule a coffee date or to come for dinner. And if you're looking for a church for Easter, I'd love to bring you to mine. We're not perfect, but we're friendly.