Note to readers: My friend Kate, who has written a guest post previously, linked here, asked me to share this with you. I was incredibly moved (and saddened) by her story. I thought adding a voice to mine in terms of the deep longing members of the LGBT community have to participate in Christian fellowship but the pain of being rejected from spiritual groups they used to call home might expand on this for some of you.
I was raised Catholic my entire life. I was baptised and confirmed according to schedule and spent 13 years under the care of nuns and other teachers at 3 different Catholic schools. For most of my childhood, I went to church every weekend. Don’t get me wrong. We weren’t perfect Catholics. We skipped some weekends, and did not observe holy days of obligation outside of Christmas, Easter, and Ash Wednesday. My parents always encouraged free thinking and had many conversations with me where I was taught that it was okay to question things about your faith and not agree with everything that is taught in homilies and Sunday school. All in all, I would say that I know Catholic teachings better than a lot of Catholics who go to church on a regular basis, and I was never exposed to any other faiths.
In college, I finally accepted a very important thing about myself. I am gay. While I have been in relationships with guys, none of them have left me as fulfilled as the relationships I have had with women. I had already felt myself starting to drift away from the Catholic church at the time, but this was pretty much the final straw for me. The Catholic church teaches that while there is nothing wrong with homosexual thoughts, it is sinful to be in a homosexual relationship. Therefore, all homosexual people are being called to a life of celibacy. I have a close relationship with God. I know what he is calling me to do. My entire life I have felt the calling to be a wife, and to be a mother. And if the Catholic church said that the only way that I could do that was to be with a man, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a part of it anymore.
But I got in contact with a former youth minister of mine. She was a youth minister at a church not far from me, and she needed adults to join the adult team for the high school youth group. This youth minister did not know I was gay, and I decided it did not matter. I feel it is important for teens to have a safe place to go to express their faith, no matter what that faith might be. I had been looking to find some sort of volunteering position, and it seemed like God was placing this one right in my lap.
I volunteered for two years under her leadership, all the while, keeping my sexuality hidden from her and most people around me. Only those closest to me knew, and I decided that was the way I wanted it. I did not want to be judged or defined by my sexuality. When I had someone I wanted to introduce to people, I would come out then. But until that point, it was not a big enough part of me to share with the world.
After two years, my friend quit her post as youth minister and a new one took over. I got along with him great and I continued to volunteer. In the spring of his first year, I met Marie. I knew this relationship was different. I knew it was going somewhere. I knew that I was ready to tell the world. I also knew the Catholic teachings and I knew that I had agreed to respect them within the confines of the church. So I did one of the hardest things I had ever had to do. I went to the new youth minister and had a meeting. I knew in my heart that there was a good chance I was going to be asked to leave.I told him that I would continue to teach the Catholic teachings to the teens and would not mention my relationship to anyone. This was not a stretch. I had taught other things I disagreed with and I don’t feel that it is appropriate for teens and the adults to be discussing relationships of any kind. He said it wasn’t a problem. He said that as long as the teens didn’t find out, he did not want to lose me as a volunteer.
I was relieved. I didn’t want to lose the position I had held for 3 years. However, in the fall, circumstances beyond my control caused me to have graduate classes on Wednesday nights. I hated it. I was not able to go to a single meeting that semester. I missed the teens terribly, and though I had defriended all the teens so that they would not find out about my relationship, I got several messages from them asking when I was coming back. I told them that I would be back in January. I told the youth minister I would be back in January.
Then in November, I proposed to Marie. I knew she was the one, and I did not want to wait any longer. I told the youth minister about it, and he seemed genuinely happy for me. He said that if I wanted, we could go out for dinner and talk about how comfortable I was continuing to hide my relationship. I reiterated what I have always felt, that youth group is about the teens, and the personal lives of the adults have no place under any circumstances. He agreed with me and that was that. A week later, I picked my graduate classes for the winter semester. I did not take a class that I should have just because it fell on Wednesday nights. I wanted to go back to youth group so badly, that I rearranged my schedule for them.
In January, two days before the next meeting, I messaged the youth minister. It simply said, “See you on Wednesday!”
I got a message back that said, “I need to call you.”
And he did call me. He thanked me for my service, but said that they no longer had room for me to volunteer. He said that he had had a conversation with the priest of the parish, and because of my “choice”, I was not allowed back. He tried to put it all on the priest, saying that he had defended me and everything I had done for the teens. He tried to say that if it was just his decision, I would be allowed to stay. He then compared it to another adult who was also getting kicked out because she was pregnant out of wedlock. He said it was the same situation and they could only have role models who followed the teachings of the church. I pointed out to him that we all knew that the other adult was having sex out of marriage and she didn’t get kicked out then. She only got kicked out when she could no longer hide it from the teens. I was still in hiding.
His only response was that perhaps he would have to be more careful in the future about the adults allowed to help out. I pointed out that he was losing a volunteer who knew more about the Catholic church than the other adults. When they had questions and he was busy, they often came to me for the answers.
He asked if I understood. I told him that I understood that he probably should have told me back in April, when I told him in the first place. I told him that he (or if it had actually been the priest’s decision, the priest) should have told me back in November when they decided I was not a good role model any more. I told him that because he didn’t, I had missed an opportunity to take an important class that was now full.
He acknowledged that he should have told me sooner, which I appreciated, but then he said something that I thought was completely out of line. He invited Marie and I to come to their young adults program. He wanted us to come and find out what the Catholic church and the bible REALLY teach.
I held my tongue and simply responded that I was not interested in being preached to. I answered that I was involved in his church because I thought it was important for teens to have a safe place to go and to feel accepted. If I felt the need to be “ministered to”, as he put it, it was going to be a church that was loving and accepting. I was not going to be going to a church that apparently knew better than I did what God was calling me to do.
On Wednesdays, I still get a bit down. After all, I spent three years of them working with some of the greatest teens I have ever met. Slowly, the teens have started refriending me. Out of respect, I cleared it with the current youth minister who told me that he thought it was important for me to continue my relationship with them, and even told me I could be open with them about my sexuality. Apparently, it is okay to continue to mentor and advise them outside of the church, just not inside of it. I have done so in a respectful way, making it seem like it was my choice to leave. They have nearly all been supportive of me.
I am looking for a new church to go to, but for now, I am comfortable with my relationship with God without a faith community. One thing is for sure, however. When someone asks me what religion I am, I will never again respond Catholic.
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