Two women seeking equality in a state where some couples are more equal than others.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

In the Closet

Rebecca and I are in Cuernavaca, a city about an hour and a half outside of Mexico City. We both have some classes planned, and maybe I will post about them once they've started and we see how they're going.

This post, though, is about what it is to be a lesbian traveling in a foreign country. Mexico is very Catholic, and I don't know what the general attitude is toward homosexuality, but I don't really want to find out the hard way. We've been keeping any gestures of affection to the guest house we're renting. I've seen online that there are some gay bars, which might be nice to visit, if only for the cultural experience, but so far we're not much for venturing out later in the evening.

Ironically, Mexico, a developing country, allows for gay marriage, while the U.S. does not. The exact system is interesting. Gay marriage is permitted in the Distrito Federal (Mexico City) and in one other state. However, once married, a couple is recognized in every state. If only the U.S. could be so progressive. The trouble is that legal recognition is not the same as social acceptance.

So we're hiding in the closet again.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Wow, I Wish I Were Sleeping

It's 12:30 AM, and I am wishing to be asleep. I have insomnia (on a more and more regular basis, lately), and I've discovered that I am rarely productive in the middle of the night.

Tonight was a small exception. I started looking at wedding invitation designs online. I'm thinking something orange, because Rebecca loves it (you should see our dining room if you don't believe me). I might also consider purple, since we both love it, and there are probably some very sassy designs out there in one of those two colors.

I have no idea how much invitations are supposed to cost. My plan is either to order them online through VistaPrint or PrintingforLess, or to purchase a set at an office supply store and print them at home. I don't need anything too fancy.

Then there's also the question of what to put on the invitations. There's the obvious: our names, the date, time, and venue, and where to RSVP. There's also the obvious NEVER included - where the couple is registered. However, I've noticed that many wedding invitations appear to be sent from the parents of the bride or from both sets of parents. In our case, that's not the case, but we still want to make it clear that there are people in our lives supporting us, and we certainly don't want to be disrespectful to the parents who are less than excited about our coming commitment.

We said that this didn't need to be traditional, and it doesn't. I don't mind changing things that I feel are old-fashioned or unnecessary. However, I don't want to be tacky. How important is it to pretend that the invitations didn't come from us? Is there a good way to handle that?

Friday, July 22, 2011

About our Venue

My last two posts have been very serious, although about happenings that leave room for rejoicing. It's time for something a little bit more fun!

Rebecca and I didn't consider very many places when looking to book a venue. We don't have a lot of money, don't want a large enough wedding to necessarily warrant a hall, and we had less than a year ahead of time (for a June wedding, in the thick of wedding season), so a lot of places would already have been reserved.

The two places we seriously considered were Perspective 2, a loft space in Lansing's Old Town, and Gone Wired Cafe on the east side of Lansing. Both are nontraditional locations for a wedding. Perspective 2 has a very open feel with exposed brick, a tin ceiling, and more importantly, a nice kitchen in the back of the space so that we could self-cater. It has a feel of understated elegance. Gone Wired is a funky cafe with tea drinks, Italian soda, great coffee, and some real food offerings. Various groups meet there on a regular basis, including a church. Also, there's a balcony space with tables large enough to play boardgames (a favorite pastime for Rebecca and me).

So which did we choose? It came down to three factors: money, overall feel, and ease of use. Perspective 2 offered us a great deal - $810 including everything except food. However, the loft was on a ground floor, so the view was less than desirable, and it was hard to picture the kind of reception we wanted. Another downside? Having to self cater. I love cooking, and I love being in control of what is served, but food for 50 people on top of what we'll already have to do that day is a lot to get done. Gone Wired hosts this kind of event and told me right away that if we ordered food, there would be no space reservation fee (if we hadn't ordered food, it would be about $550). When I told them what kind of food and drinks we're planning on having, she quoted me $20 per person - $1000 total. Even better, I could see myself moving around the cafe greeting guests, playing games, and listening to karaoke. It was an easy choice: we're excited to be hosting at Gone Wired Cafe!

Senate Hears Testimony about Respect for Marriage Act

 http://www.hrcbackstory.org/2011/07/senate-judiciary-committee-hears-testimony-on-respect-for-marriage-act/

If you're looking for a sound legal argument as to why DOMA should be considered unconstitutional, Judge Joseph L. Tauro said it well:
By premising eligibility for these benefits on marital status in the first instance, the federal government signals to this court that the relevant distinction to be drawn is between married individuals and unmarried individuals. To further divide the class of married individuals into those with spouses of the same sex and those with spouses of the opposite sex is to create a distinction without meaning.
Historically, states have determined who can marry, not the federal government, which means that if a state decides that a same sex couple should marry, the federal government is currently not providing that couple equal protection under the law. So what does the Respect for Marriage Act actually do? According to Evan Wolfson, founder and president of Freedom to Marry:
The Respect for Marriage Act repeals "DOMA" in its entirety. It doesn't tell states what marriages they must celebrate or how to treat marriages, but provides that the federal responsibilities and protections accorded married couples will remain stable and predictable no matter where a couple lives, works, or travels, and no matter whether that couple is gay or non- gay. The Respect for Marriage Act doesn't require any person, religious organization, locality, or state to celebrate or license any marriage, gay or non-gay. The First Amendment protects the right of churches and religious bodies to determine the qualifications for religious marriage, and the Respect for Marriage Act cannot and will not upset that longstanding protection. 
The Respect for Marriage Act cannot force Michigan to give me a marriage license. However, if I someday manage to move to a state that will, I hope to see federal recognition of that. Repeal of DOMA also makes it possible for the federal government to put into effect other legislation providing protections and equal rights to same-sex couples.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

MI Hope: The Respect for Marriage Act

Today has given me new hope that Rebecca and I will someday be married in Michigan. Obama spoke in support of the Respect for Marriage Act, which would repeal the Defense of Marriage Act, one of the key pieces of legislation preventing federally recognized gay marriage. With Republicans in control of the legislature here in Michigan, it's unlikely that we will see domestic partnerships or civil unions here anytime soon, and the state has a constitutional amendment defining marriage as between one man and one woman, so something will likely have to happen federally for gay marriage to be a possibility here.

Granted, the Respect for Marriage Act is not going to pass soon, but it gives me reason to believe that Rebecca and I can one day pursue our dream of moving to Detroit, opening a practice, renovating a house, and helping the community.

And that deserves a hooray!

Monday, July 18, 2011

Having our Cake . . .

. . . and eating it too.

Rebecca and I both love the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding - it's a great look at family, breaking tradition, and the joy of an unexpected and unlikely match-up. In fact, this blog was going to be titled "My Big Fat Gay Wedding," until we googled and found out that title was taken (it's a great blog - you can read it here).

One of our favorite scenes is when the two families meet for the first time. The hostess gift is a bundt cake that causes confusion and laughter. We decided quite some time ago that the centerpieces at our commitment ceremony will be bundt cakes, likely with small vases of flowers tucked into the middle. Neither one of us really likes traditional wedding cake, especially with fondant (if you've had really good wedding cake, please tell us about it, because we feel it might be kind of like a unicorn). We've already decided that one of them (I think we'll have five or six altogether) will be a rich chocolate orange cake. The other flavors are as yet undetermined (take the poll to the right!).

Here are some flavors we're considering, but we'd love feedback, suggestions, or recipes.

Lemon poppyseed
Carrot
Red velvet
Confetti
Apple cinnamon
Marble

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Welcome!

Hello! We're glad you decided to stop by.

So who are we, anyway?

Rebecca is a second year osteopathic medical student at Michigan State University. I'm a second year graduate student in the master of arts in Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages (TESOL) program at Michigan State. That alone would make for a challenging relationship, but we also live in Michigan, a state with a constitutional ban on gay marriage.

For many reasons, we put off having a commitment ceremony. Among them was a hope that we would soon move to a state where gay marriage, civil unions, or domestic partnerships were available. However, "soon" is three years away, and it also feels like admitting defeat.

We were both born in Michigan and love the state. Our preference would be to stay, if we can get the legal protection that we need. So we've scheduled a commitment ceremony in Lansing for June 16, 2012. Not only are we committing to each other, but we commit to fighting for LGBT rights in the state of Michigan. We hope that this blog will be a part of that effort. We also hope to make this blog a space to share the joys of being a couple in love and the humor in planning a non-traditional ceremony.

We'd also love to "meet" you! Please share your ideas, your blogs, and your questions for us.