Confessions: A Lesbian's Open Letter to the Men I Dated

For readers who don't know me personally: I dated exclusively men before Rebecca and I became a couple. It never occurred to me to do otherwise.

This is an open letter to the men who dated me, for time ranging from a few weeks to several months.

Dear Ex-Boyfriends,

I'm sorry that I didn't love you better. I wish I had.

But I didn't know how to. You see, I didn't know who I was, and I definitely didn't love who I was, and that meant that I didn't have enough to offer you. 

I shouldn't have been dating at all. I should have held myself to a standard of defining what I needed before pulling you into the hot mess that was me before I was out. Before I knew. Before I saw the pattern I had of falling madly, unsustainably for men I couldn't make happy because I was unhappy. I thought you would make me happy, but that's not how love works.

I was socialized to believe that gay people were broken. I didn't think I was broken, so I assumed that I was straight. 

I was socialized to believe that women are called to marriage and childbearing as their highest form of service.

I was socialized to believe that I was unattractive and hard to love, too smart, too religious, too flat, too loud to be loved.

And then you found me lovely, for a time at least. You made me feel, for a time at least, that it was possible for someone to love me. You told me that women in many shapes and sizes are beautiful. You talked to me late into the night and found my interdisciplinarity engaging.

That was important. What you did and said mattered. What you didn't say mattered.

What I didn't say mattered too.

It didn't work. We didn't last. Things ended amicably for the most part. 

I can't pretend to know how you felt when I came out. You might have been surprised, or maybe you felt that things made more sense. 

Know that I never meant to hurt you, if it hurt. Know that I will raise my sons and daughters, Lord willing, to believe differently.

I hope you are happy. I hope you have found your helpmate as I found mine. I hope that you learned something useful from the time we spent together, as I learned from you.

The most fervent love I can give,

Erin 

One Year of #OwnerOccupieDetroit: Anniversary in the D

I know it's been a while since I posted - things got away from me.

The good news is that #fixerupperdetroit has come a long way from where we were at a year ago yesterday, when we officially moved in to a construction site with no kitchen and a life of plaster dust.

Being a Detroit resident is a dream come true. I see the Spirit of Detroit on my utility bills, my neighbors are amazing, and our house is set up to hold a couple dozen people for a birthday party.

Better yet, our house is sending the vibe we want it to. People go through our cupboards and fridge to find things they need. They let themselves in our front door. Yesterday, when we had a gargantuan group of people over for Rebecca's birthday, I heard that people were washing dirty dishes themselves because we ran out of dishes (I'm pretty sure we started with a dozen clean bowls and more than a dozen dinner plates) and they didn't want to bother me while I was hostessing. We finished an entire slow cooker full of Thai vegetable soup. A giant tray of crab rangoons. 20+ fresh rolls. We had to open up an extra table just for desserts people brought. Two people ended up chilling in my upstairs office to chat someplace quieter. People hung out with new friends. Basically, they treated my home like their home. Like they're family. Which they are.

Our Sunday night Table for 12+ potluck has been a wonderful experience. I joke that it incentivizes me to clean my house, but I find myself looking forward to hosting such a casual event and bringing people from many walks of life together. I hope other people will consider joining me in hosting an event like this regularly - it doesn't have to be every week. Once a month would also work.

Yes, there will be potluck on Sunday, May 7th from 6 pm to 9 pm (ish). And you're invited. The Palmer Park Art Fair is this weekend and just a short drive or bike ride away, so I encourage you to visit it and support local artists before you come to #fixerupperdetroit for dinner.