I'm bringin' courtesy back, cuz all the social media trolls just don't know how to act . . .
Last year, we used a book called "They Say, I Say" in my Ph.D. program. I wasn't initially sold on it, but I recommend it with some regularity now. I'm drawing somewhat on its formatting style, which is to highlight ways of phrasing statements in academic writing.
Y'all, I've been seeing a lot of facebook threads lately that utterly lack civility. I'm not saying we can't disagree or argue, or that everything has to be perfectly PC, but we also can do better than slamming the other side, generalizing/stereotyping others so that we can dismiss them, and repeating the same tired rhetoric over and over. To that end, here are some statements that CommittingintheMitten would really like to see more often:
1. "Could you clarify that?"
We often assume we know what someone means, even if we don't know that person or their comment is very brief. Instead of jumping to conclusions, ask for more information. Another version is: "What I think you're saying is . . . do I have that right?"
2. "This has been my personal experience . . ."
If your opinion is based on personal experience, own that. Anecdotes can help statistics come to life. But their greatest strength is also their greatest weakness - if it's your story, that doesn't mean it's been the same for others. Be honest about that.
3. "From my survey of this thread, the big themes I see are . . . "
Oh, to use this one, you have to read the whole thread. If you're interested in engaging, think about what you bring to the conversation. Repeating what pundits have said, especially in cliche form, really isn't helpful. Repeating what has already been said in other comments also isn't helpful. Summarizing your interpretation and then adding your viewpoint to fill in gaps or expand is how to help us all move forward with you.
4. "Thank you for sharing your experience."
One reason many default to rhetoric is to avoid taking the risk of sharing something personal. Or, alternatively, people have downgraded themselves because in the past, no one has shown any sign of caring. If someone has shared something that has helped you understand better, whether it's someone you know or not, thanking them is a way of telling them to keep it up!
5. "I think we've gotten away from the topic at hand."
Everything is connected. Lots of things must be considered systematically. Sometimes, in a thread, another topic starts to emerge, and that's not always bad, but sometimes threads are taken over by discussion of an issue that is more salient/noticeable. Sometimes, it helps to steer back toward the original topic.
6. Ask yourself before you post: "Would I say this to a friend, to her face?"
The anonymity of the Internet does something in our heads, especially in a thread where we don't know most of the people. If you're about to post something you wouldn't be willing to own in an in-person conversation, give it a second look. Could you be kinder?
7. Ask yourself before you post: "Am I trying to find a solution, or just criticize everything everyone else says?"
Jesus rarely allowed Himself to get caught in dilemmas. When facing two bad options, He typically rejected both and found a third one. Many people object to compromise because they feel that ceding ground to the other side puts them in a moral area where they're uncomfortable. Fair enough, but is there a more creative way to solve the problem? Is criticizing the other side, particularly in its entirety, without offering a tenable suggestion, productive? Is there a genuine question you could ask to try to understand better first?
I'm sure this list isn't exhaustive. It's not that I don't want to hear what you have to say. It's just that we're all muddling through this together, and maybe sometimes people should get the benefit of the doubt. Maybe attempting to understand can take precedence over being right, particularly in a social media discussion that isn't deciding policy. We could all use a little more grace in a number of areas.
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