I've had questions from friends and pastors about my church seeking experiences. Some are just curious, and I think others hope to glean something for their church welcome team or environment. This post is intended to be timed to help the latter group out with the Easter crowd - those who have grown up in the church may be more drawn to return during Holy Week, and those who grew up unchurched may see an opportunity to try out something new on this very precious day.
While my experiences should never be taken to explain the entire LGBT community, I have a principle that I believe Hester Wheeler, the head of the NAACP in Detroit, shared with a fellowship program I was in:
At the end of the day, we all want the same things.
Rebecca and I have moved so many times and done so much church seeking in different areas that we have a few litmus tests for whether we'll return to a church. Do I know that litmus tests for this kind of thing are problematic? Yes. However, here is the primary one:
Did someone ask me my name and try to get to know me?
Wouldn't you want that? Even if you're completely the prototypical person checking out a faith community for the first time? And especially if you weren't sure if you were welcome?
Because I know that isn't really the advice people are looking for, I will share a few other red flags that are narrower to the LGBT community.
Please, please avoid cliches.
I don't want to hear you say that "it's not your place to judge," "it's not a worse sin than any other sin," or any of the other things people think are helpful. Most of the time, it tells me either that you've never really thought about this issue, or that you're lumping me into a group without getting to know me.
Okay, so what should I say about the fact that they're gay if I can't use those cliches?
If you're not sure what to say to a gay person you've just met at your church, refer to the litmus test. You just met this person. Would you comment on a straight person's perceived sexual sin if you'd just met them at an Easter service? Would you want to be asked that kind of question? What would you ask a straight person? When I first meet someone at church, I generally ask what they do for a living, or for fun, or how many siblings he/she has, or how long they've been following Jesus. If this person decides to stay, and your church believes in celibacy for the LGBT community (CommittingintheMitten has nothing kind or reasonable to say about the disproven practice of gay conversion - it's dangerous and ineffective), you can discuss that at a later time when you know this person's story. Or during the membership process. Or when that person asks. If you attend a gay affirming church, you still don't need to single out this person or couple. Ask the couple how they met, or where they live, or whether they have pets.
I'm not saying that if your church isn't 100% gay affirming, you should hide that. If the LGBT guest asks, you should address the question, or direct the guest to someone who can. I'm not saying that you have to give up what you believe in or condone a relationship you don't approve of. But you have the opportunity to share Jesus' love with someone who maybe has never felt it. You have the opportunity to share the story of redemption and the cross with someone who has maybe never truly heard it. Today isn't the day to literally or figuratively push someone out the church doors.
I hope that helps, at least a little. As I've said before, if you want more specifics or have questions, feel free to schedule a coffee date or to come for dinner. And if you're looking for a church for Easter, I'd love to bring you to mine. We're not perfect, but we're friendly.
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