Marriage Secret: Mango Yogurt Principle

It's been more than two years since Rebecca and I got legally married (though only about six months since Michigan decided to believe us, and 3.5 years since we had a religious ceremony). We've been a couple for over six years, and known each other over ten years.

We've been through a lot lately - an ordeal that can't compete with losing my brother four years ago, but probably comes in second. Unless being homeless counts as second. And then there are all the things that definitely aren't top two.

We've lived. We've struggled. At twenty-eight, I feel that I have lived fifty years already (and most of that is from the last six years). And even though we argue and marriage is hard and residency SUCKS and I don't always love #medwifelife, I hope I will live another 100 years with my helpmate.

People have said that they can tell we're soulmates. I certainly hope so, or giving up straight privilege and a normal life kind of seems in vain (though I'm convinced normal is overrated). We're helpmates for sure.

Here is the principle that explains, I think, why we're still happy to be married, named the Mango Yogurt Principle after Rebecca's deep love of Trader Joe's mango and cream yogurt. I too like mango yogurt, but not as much as she does, so I eat the peach that comes in the six pack instead and let her have the one she really loves because it's more important to her than to me.

What comes out of that? In a marriage, the person who cares more on an issue gets the most say. So when we were picking kitchen cabinets for the house, I let Rebecca choose the pattern, as long as I didn't hate it. The style of the cabinets doesn't matter to me as much as their functionality. We agreed on the counters. She will probably let me pick the kitchen sink, since I end up doing more cooking than she does.

It's a system of compromise, but one that doesn't necessitate meeting in the middle on every issue. Many issues end up closer to one side than the other. As long as it's not the same side every time, it doesn't matter.

A huge part of getting this to work is recognizing that neither helpmate can make every decision. If I believe that every decision is the most important to me and try to make all of them, the Mango Yogurt Principle falls apart. I have to acknowledge how decisions affect Rebecca, check myself when I get overbearing, and consider what really matters.

If you're dating someone and not sure about marriage, or you're newly married and struggling, I encourage you to use the Mango Yogurt Principle as a framework. Is one person making all the decisions? Or are you unhappy because you're compromising, but dissatisfied with the results? Take another look, and see if delegating some decisions might help.