Confession: I Don't Believe I Deserve #fixerupperdetroit

A friend commented a couple days ago that she's impressed that we persisted in purchasing #FixerUpperDetroit in spite of the numerous challenges we faced. She said that after we had to give up on the first home, we would have definitely been entitled to take a break from our home search. And I know that she is right. And if you are in the middle of a home search like ours, and you need to take a break, I encourage you to.

I think one of the reasons that we continued on our journey, besides all of the positive ones (like loving the city, wanting to host more, setting down roots, etc), was that we really didn't understand what it would be like once we closed on a home. We've had a lot of meetings to go to, demolition and cleaning to do,

and last night Rebecca told me that she thought we would probably never end the process of restoring hardwood and original tile, as long as we live in our home. 

Confession: The first few days after we closed, I hated the new house. We had a lot of paperwork to do, and filing it didn't go well because our deed was issued improperly by the seller's title company, and I didn't have time, and Rebecca was busier than I expected, and a million other things. And I had told myself that if I could get through our closing, then I could rest. And then I felt like I couldn't rest. And I resented the house.

Now that we have that slightly more in hand, though, I am realizing another reason that homeownership feels very strange:

I don't feel like I deserve this home.

I know many of you may believe, deep down, that we have taken pity on Detroit, or on this home, and it's this gargantuan task to rehab it, and aren't we such good people?

But I never believed that story. That story isn't true.

AND I grew up in a home much smaller than this, where we shared bathrooms, sometimes poorly. Where we couldn't always have people over because we didn't have room. Where there wasn't enough space for books. It's not that we had nothing, but we made a lot of choices based on the limitations of our house.

Deep down, I don't believe that I deserve my own bathroom. I don't believe that I have earned a large kitchen where I can prepare any dish I like. I don't believe that I deserve my own office. I don't believe that I deserve a nice master suite. I don't believe that I have earned a fireplace. Or three fireplaces. One of which is surrounded by gorgeous built-ins.

This is a real fireplace in my real house.

And in the sense that the world doesn't owe us anything, and we are not entitled to anything, and it is only by God's grace that anything is ours, I don't deserve it. I haven't earned it.

BUT in the sense that I have committed to a city, into a very difficult purchase agreement and path to closing, and to a large renovation to get to the home of our dreams, this home is the result of some of my choices.

This house is the result of my work, and Rebecca's work, and our commitment to fiscal responsibility, and the relationships we've built with people. It's the result of careful consideration of what we need to accomplish our calling as a couple.

So in this new year, I need to realize that not only are we adequate to the task of restoring this home, and joining this neighborhood, but that I deserve to belong to a place where I matter. I deserve to have the things that I need to fulfill my calling.

So do you. What do you need to get there?