Stop calling women irrational; It's just lazy

I've been female all my life.

So for a long time, I didn't realize how many beliefs I held were socialized to be appropriate for me, as a female, but weren't necessarily true, or weren't things male members of the population thought about. Once I started realizing that the rules are different for males and females, I started noticing that males don't necessarily realize that. A few friends have posted this link about that very state of affairs. I was shocked how much it resonated, despite the fact that I'd consider myself generally fortunate.

The TL;DR version of that article is that because men don't experience sexism or may not see how pervasive it is, they don't understand why women are upset by it or how much it affects us. The author explains that all women (#yesallwomen) have to de-escalate situations or work around their gender on a daily basis in a way that makes them deeply aware of their femininity in a way men may not have to persistently carry their masculinity. She also optimistically suggests that if men saw this more or we told them about it, they would be different.

I have a post percolating on the number of moments in a day that I choose not to do something because it is on the list of behaviors that would get me victim-blamed if I were assaulted. It includes activities such as stopping to help a motorist with the flashers on, taking the stairs instead of the elevator, wearing pencil skirts, and sitting in my car to make a list after I've gotten in. Yes, at some point, all of those have been suggested as choices that could increase the likelihood I would be sexually assaulted. None are moral failings.

I also have started mentally noting when I do things at work that I'm fairly certain I wouldn't have to worry about if I were male. Picking clothing carefully - even things appropriate in an office environment could draw comments from male students (and somehow adolescent males get even more a pass on appropriate behavior), softening comments, adding the word "just," being meticulous about paperwork and not seeming "hard to manage." It's a lot of little things.

I have even brought this up with male coworkers or posted about it on social media and had debates with male friends.

And I'm concerned.

I'm concerned that many of them, even when women explain, disagree. I'm concerned that they continue to call women "crazy" or "irrational" -

because it's easier to disregard women's comments as unfounded or unimportant than to consider that the rules are different (and worse) for women.

Some of those social media debates have resulted in a male friend victim-blaming consistently and then messaging me later to tell me that after thinking about it, he realized he was wrong. And getting that message was great - as a teacher, there's little more rewarding to me than helping someone have an epiphany - but getting there was exhausting. Being told I was wrong about my own experience (and that there was something better to handle it that I didn't think to do already) was really, really hard.

And I've had similar conversations with no epiphany. I've had similar conversations where I defended my actions or the actions of my fellow women, tried to explain the underlying reason for a behavior men didn't understand, only to be laughed at or discounted because the male person had never seen this. And having to defend myself, being laughed at, being told I'm irrational or silly or wrong - I should be used to it as a woman, but somehow it's worse when I'm trying to share an experience like this, when I'm being vulnerable and trying to let a man into the club of people who understand the female experience, and he decides it's easier to say that what I'm doing doesn't make sense.

No, I get that he wouldn't do that thing.

It wouldn't make sense for men to do or say many of the things I do or say. 

 That doesn't mean that it's irrational for me to do it. And dismissing my choice and my planning and then subsequently victim-blaming me when I fail to prevent an undesirable situation or don't de-escalate something successfully makes me disinclined to continue going on trying to let men into the club. After all, according to the rules, vulnerability is a moral weakness committed mostly by women. According to the rules, men's perspective is more important than women's.

And honestly, it's not my job to educate those who seek to oppress or discredit me. It's not my job to leverage anecdote after anecdote and statistic after statistic to convince someone that I deserve to be treated like a human being. I sometimes choose to. But that information is out there on the interwebz, available for men who truly want to be enlightened. If I choose to share my personal experiences, it is a gift to the man in my company to be trusted enough that I am trying to bring him into the club. It is not an obligation. Failing to provide an experience that strikes a chord doesn't mean I am less deserving of consideration.

So men, don't call me irrational when I do something you don't understand. Women, don't accept or perpetuate that label. It isn't accurate.

Calling women irrational when they protect themselves isn't considered or strong or rational.

At best, it's lazy. At worst, it's dangerous.