When You Say: I Have Gay Friends . . . So I can't be a Homophobe

I often hear people say, "My <<insert family member or other consort>> is gay, so I'm not …" and what follows is always the use of that gay person as a talisman to ward off <<probably not specious>> accusations of homophobia or bigotry, then followed by a negative stereotype or judgment about the gay community. Many times I've been told, before or after a statement like this that I don't count in that stereotype (see post On being a unicorn).

And I realize that in other conversations, I'm probably being used as that talisman. I'm probably the <<insert family member or other consort>> to prevent tenable accusations or "PC" challenges to the statement. My experience or opinion may be considered to apply to all members of the LGBT community or I may get a special pass.

Tokenism at its finest. It's easier to know one gay person than to get educated, easier to take my view than learn multiple ones, and easier to forgive me my faults because I am named and have a face.

But I am not a token or talisman or representative of an entire community. Please don't use me that way. Especially if you're trying not to look prejudiced as you withhold rights from my community. 

I try to be fair and understanding here, and I try to present a well-rounded view, but I'm not actually a unicorn. I have feelings. I have flaws. You're allowed to think so and say so, about me specifically. It might hurt, but not as much as if you imply that I don't belong in the community where I belong.

But if you're saying it about an entire community, like I said in Speaking the truth in love, and you want to make my community suffer (yes, that's what withholding civil rights does), you're a homophobe, which means you should probably evaluate if you're being a good <<insert family member or other consort>> to the token you're holding up. 

Because I have some very prejudiced friends, but that doesn't mean I approve of the bigoted lifestyle.