As many of you know, I have tried to choose the loving path. I have tried to see other points of view and acknowledge that for many, it is a journey to become gay affirming. I have extended as much grace as I can muster for those in that situation, partially because I used to be there.
Here's the thing, though. When I was in apologetics training (a fancy term for learning how to convert people to Christianity), they told us that while living a good life and building authentic relationships were very important, no one would come to Christ if we didn't actually articulate the truth of the Gospel - that we are all sinners in need of the grace that Jesus brought when he came to Earth, died for us, and rose again. The way that I have that conversation has changed significantly in the last fifteen years, but that statement remains true.
And I have been trying to be respectable and wholesome. I have tried loving others, feeding them, offering them support and comfort, being flexible and understanding. None of those are bad things to do. In fact, I assert that I will never regret making the loving choice. However, if I want people's beliefs and choices to remain the same, I also need to tell them the truth.
So here is the truth. Many people have been telling me that they are not homophobes or bigots. This often stems from a mistaken definition of homophobia and a deep belief that it's not possible for "nice" people to be bigoted. I am not saying that it is impossible for relatively nice people to discriminate, or be prejudiced, or be homophobic, or be bigoted. I constantly notice and have to check myself for subtle reactions of racism - I don't want to believe that I'm racist. I am working to dedicate my life to breaking social reproduction cycles. I have attempted to put myself in integrated contexts. Hence, I have tried to steamroll the fact that some of my thoughts may be prejudiced. Does it make me a terrible person that I have these thoughts or feelings sometimes? I don't believe so. What would make me a terrible person were if I dwelled on them, or tried to support them with data that isn't there, or tried to teach them to others or enforce discriminatory policies based on them. It would make me a terrible person if I chose not to pursue the truth.
The following list is not exhaustive, but these are examples of things that people have said to me in the last few years that are actually indicative of homophobia/bigotry.
1. "I don't have a problem with 'these ladies' being married, but it upsets me that the pastor thinks that's okay."
This is possibly the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said directly about me in a church context. The elderly woman espousing this view clearly knew that what she was about to say sounded bigoted, so she tried to cover it up by purporting to approve of my marriage. She didn't know me at all - it wasn't that she approved of my marriage as an exception. She just didn't want to sound offensive at a public hearing when there were gay people in the room.
Lesson: If you do not believe that the pastor at your church should perform my marriage, you do have a problem with my marriage. And you have a problem with gay people. That is your right, given that freedom of speech and religion exist in the U.S., but don't try to tell me that you are not a homophobe or a bigot.
2. "Gay people all use drugs and sleep around. You're wholesome/respectable, but you're an exception, and we can't grant rights just to exceptions."
Any time you are choosing to extend a blanket statement to a group of people, particularly a negative one, you are treading on very thin ice. I don't make blanket statements about straight people. Some sleep around. Some use drugs. Some are bigots. Some are allies.
Lesson: If you think that all gay people are alike, you haven't bothered to get to know very many of us. You are choosing to "other" us so that you don't have to consider that we might be just like you. And if you feel that granting rights is based on people earning them through behavior you believe is respectable, we need to have a serious talk about the terms "rights" and also "grace."
3. "Gays/homosexuals are trying to push their agenda and change everything. We've voted to keep things the way they are. Why won't they just accept that?"
Because we've been "othered" for so long, it's been easy for people to attribute to us a complex agenda (that may or may not exist - if you would like a humorous take on this, click the "MI gay day" label at the top of this page), just as it is often easy for people from White backgrounds to believe that only minorities have cultures. However, the agenda that you're pushing - and trust me, you're pushing one - is to maintain the status quo. Unfortunately for your argument, just because something is the status quo doesn't make it the most just, the most loving, the most appropriate, or the most correct anything. It just means that it's what is right now. Unfortunately for me, the fact that you are the majority and hold a position of power means that whether or not you get your way ultimately, prolonging this debate gives you what you want - for me not to have rights.
Lesson: If you believe that discriminating against people based on their presence in any minority group is okay, particularly if you believe that solely because you cannot imagine the world otherwise, you are a bigot.
The Takeaway
If you have said/meant/thought these things, you are guilty of homophobia/bigotry. That doesn't mean you are a terrible person. You are not damned. I am not saying that I no longer love you. But the honest thing to do here is for you to acknowledge that your position is prejudiced. The honest reaction is that you prefer to be prejudiced and accept the label of bigot/homophobe because your values dictate that you must. I find it much easier to tolerate people who will be honest about their views - whether or not they are trying to change them - than to continue having discussions with those who insist that their view is not doing me active harm, that they are not holding a position of privilege, or that I am being unreasonable in calling out this smoke screen or asking for equality.
"You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." ~ Jesus
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