Fighting the Fight or Flight Response

Given how much stress I've been under lately, between some difficult family and church situations as well as transitions going on with my role within the company for which I work, it's not shocking that I've spent a lot of time with my nervous system in fight or flight mode. One theory for why racial minorities suffer worse health across all economic profiles is that they operate in this mode almost constantly because of the number of microaggressions they experience throughout the day. As an LGBT woman, I can sympathize with that.

The problem is that I'm not very strong or fast, so fight or flight is never going to do any good. I suppose I could translate that into an argument with someone and attempt to fight verbally, but when I'm that angry/frustrated, I can't say that I'm at my most cogent.

I also read somewhere that they way we respond to stress or anger trains our brain and body for the appropriate way to respond the next time. I can't say that I've always responded well. I've resorted to stress eating, or perseverating on things that upset me, or sometimes even ideation of self harm. None of these responses are going to help me long term, so I've been trying to retrain myself (in not such a different method that I've been trying to retrain my tastebuds to live with less sugar).

So what am I trying to do when I'm upset? Basically, the nervous system response I'm trying to cultivate is often called tend and befriend. I'm trying to make relationship and nurturing the basis of my stress response - essentially, to choose love as an automatic reaction to stressful situations.

That means calling friends to talk when I'm upset to get new perspectives or to find out what others have done in similar situations. That means snuggling my cats. That means cooking to feed people. That means checking in with students, encouraging them, and offering high expectations for them, as well as remembering that no matter how difficult things might be, I do this for them. It means relaxing into other people's care for me. It sometimes means forgiving myself or others in the name of relationships. Last year, I planted tulips so that I would have something to look forward to - and checking the shoots in the spring every day was a great opportunity to congratulate myself for making a good choice.

I'm not there yet. I haven't arrived. But I think I'm moving toward reaching out. I'm taking positive steps. I hope that you will take them with me.