I was recently the matron of honor in my twin sister's wedding. I pondered whether I wanted to take on this responsibility for a number of reasons: it required travel to Dallas, helping plan weddings is stressful, and money has been tight. These are reasons that everyone considers in that situation. There were other reasons, though - I was concerned that my sister and her intended had bought in too much to the wedding industrial complex and were being a little zilla-ish sometimes as a result (disclaimer: Megan and Alex are super nice people with no Godzilla tendencies - I blame the wedding industrial complex that tried to swallow them up, not them personally). Additionally, things are strained with my family and I was concerned that it would be too much closeness. And finally, part of me is still hurt that no one in my family came to either of my weddings, and not going to my sister's wedding seemed like a reasonable consequence for them.
Here's the thing: I also knew that not going would mean missing an important day with my sister. She's my only remaining sibling, so I would likely never have this chance again. I ended up deciding to go. My wife and I discussed before I left that if I decided to go, I had to give up being bitter and show my sister and her (now) husband as much love as I could muster, whether or not I agreed with her past decisions and whether or not I was still hurt. In other words, I could choose love or bitterness, but I couldn't have both.
My wife was right. As I fought to love and serve, I realized the joy that this choice held for me. By the time I was in the airport on the way home, I recognized how much my family had missed out on by choosing judgment, misunderstanding, politics, and punishment over love and support. They had argued that it was my choice to be gay, or at least my choice to marry a woman, and therefore I chose for them not to come because I knew how they felt. I have concluded that it was, certainly, my choice to marry my wife - one I am proud of. However, it was their choice not to come. Their attitude that there was no alternative and that their disagreement with me had to determine their actions ignores reality. I had a choice to go to my sister's wedding, in spite of the straight privilege belief that immediate family is required to attend.
I chose to go. I chose to love my sister. I choose to love her new husband. I chose to clean her house for her, throw her a spa party, and make the bridesmaid jewelry. I chose to hold her dress while she went to the bathroom. I chose to smile for the pictures, to love on the flower girl, to sing during the ceremony and let the joy of worship fill my heart. I chose to have great conversations with other members of the wedding parties and guests. I chose to dance when people invited me to.
I got to have a great conversation with the minister who performed the ceremony. He is relatively conservative, but wanted to know my story, particularly related to my church-seeking experiences. He's genuinely interested in loving the LGBT community and welcoming them to his faith community. We may disagree on some things, but we both agreed on the most important one: that Jesus loves LGBT people and Christians should too.
Did it hurt to see my family there and realize that my wedding was missing them? Yes. I won't lie. It was incredibly difficult. Was it difficult to see the couple's own pastor perform the ceremony when mine wouldn't do mine? Of course. Would it have fixed that for me not to go? No. Do I sometimes get tired of being a model minority? Absolutely.
But when we choose to love, we are blessed. I don't mean that our circumstances magically change, necessarily. They won't always. Mine haven't really, and I don't expect them to. But I have been blessed internally with joy, happy memories, and closer relationships, despite my initial misgivings.
For my straight friends who may have been invited to a same-sex wedding (or any other wedding they have misgivings about): I hope you will consider choosing love and support. You might be surprised to find that you're the one who is blessed.
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