Confessions: #MedWifeLife Rules

Over the past several years, and especially since Rebecca has started residency, I've made what I call #medwifelife rules. I know that sounds weird, but they're also not what you think. They're not about status or money or anything like that.

Dorian takes care of Rebecca while she rests after a long shift.

Here they are, with no further ado:

1. Thou shalt not cook dinner before confirmation that the helpmate has left the hospital.

I used to feel obligated to have a hot meal on the table when my wife got home. She has a hard job, is on her feet a lot, and contrary to US employment law, often doesn't get a meal break.

The problem became that I didn't know when she would actually be home (if there is work to do, residents can be kept a couple hours past the end of a 12 or 14 hour shift), so if I timed dinner for when I thought she'd be home, I'd end up trying to keep it warm, it ended up burnt or soggy, and I ended up resentful.

So I don't start heating anything that might be hard to keep warm until I know that she is on her way home. She has accepted this, and if she wants there to be food ready, she knows that she needs to let me know when to expect her.

Which leads to rule number . . .

2. Thou shalt serve frozen pizza without feeling guilty.

I work. She works. Sometimes we're too exhausted to cook something. I've given up feeling bad for eating frozen pizza.

3. Thou shalt not feel obligated to wash scrubs.

I do most of our laundry. Sometimes I wash Rebecca's scrubs and white coat. I know, though, that there is a laundry service at the hospital and Rebecca can get her scrubs and white coat laundered there. So if I'm short on time or laundry money, I don't prioritize the things that could be washed elsewhere. It's not my job to make sure Rebecca has scrubs. She's an adult person who can work it out.

4. Thou shalt not sleep when the helpmate sleeps and work when the helpmate works.

I've heard stories of medwives who have a cup of coffee with their spouse every morning before the spouse leaves for work, even if that's at 4 am. Props to them; that's a lovely, lovely tradition, and while I'm jealous, I've accepted that I can't do that because I won't go back to sleep. I'll start working at 4 am and not stop. I also have started forcing myself to go to bed at a reasonable hour when Rebecca is on nights, and I don't usually nap during the day with her when she gets home, even if I'm not working. Keeping my sleep schedule constant is important for me.

As a workaholic, it's also easy for me to believe that if Rebecca is working 14 hours, I should be too. Last spring, during my work's busy season, I worked several 50-60 hour weeks while she was working 80 hours a week. We had no time to cook or clean or do laundry (I paid someone to help out a couple times). I felt guilty chilling when I knew she was saving lives. But both of us being exhausted and irritable doesn't make for a better marriage. We still need the income (especially with the whole #fixerupperdetroit story) from my work, so I work a fair amount, and I try to be home when she's home if I can, but I don't feel bad if our work schedules don't line up.

5. Thou shalt remember this is temporary.

While Rebecca will always be a doctor, she will not always be a resident. At some point, she will have control over her schedule again, money won't be tight, we won't be back and forth between two housing situations. I will have my turn to be cared for when I find my calling. There will be brunch, and lazy Sunday afternoons, and vacations together, and shared housework (or a paid cleaning service). It's been a long road - Rebecca started applying to med school in 2008, had to do another application cycle in 2009, and started med school summer of 2010. She won't finish residency until fall of 2017, so at some point, it became easier to think of this as permanent, of the escalation of suffering as ongoing (Rebecca calls med school and residency boiling a frog), but we don't actually have so much longer now. Given that Rebecca is a family med physician, we will not have the largest salary people associate with doctors, but we'll live comfortably, particularly because of the choices we made while she was in med school and residency so that she can get out of debt sooner.

6. Thou shalt focus on why thou loves thy wife. 

When we're ships passing, which happens a lot, or the housework has fallen on my shoulders more than I would like, or when I'm exhausted, sometimes I don't feel married. But I am married, and I married Rebecca for a reason. When I'm starting to feel resentful of the way in which residency programs view spouses, how mistreated my wife is at the hands of insurance companies and large healthcare systems, and how much that has impacted pursuit of my personal goals, I try to consider the reasons I love her and the reasons she has become a physician instead of remaining a pharmaceutical engineer. Cheesy? Maybe. But it helps.

Do I follow all of these rules all the time?

No, of course not. There are always exceptions, and everyone fails. I definitely don't recommend this system for everyone. Every marriage is different. But consideration of these issues has made it possible for us to survive and some days thrive in a very difficult situation.

If your significant other is a doctor, what rules do you follow for yourself?