Two women seeking equality in a state where some couples are more equal than others.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Demolition

Lately, things have happened to make me feel livid. And frustrated. And sad. Things have happened to make me feel so much of these things that for a few moments in time, I wanted to give up on choosing love unconditionally, choosing more love, and falling apart without taking others down. I was tired of being a model minority, tired of writing the wholesome, respectable, ladylike narrative, tired of checking every box except "straight" and still experiencing discrimination.

As one friend said, I wanted to "blow **** up." It was true at that moment and became even truer the next day when another issue piled on.

I found myself repeating "I will not blow things up" as a mantra. I found myself reviewing respectable methods of responding. I considered how I could handle my anger responsibly. I reflected on the work I would destroy if I lit the fuse at that moment.

In short, two things happened.

The first was that I tried to find ways to choose love while protecting myself, as much as reasonable, from future hurt.

The second was that I remembered a quote that my high school librarian had shared: "Well-behaved women seldom make history."

So I will choose love. And I will not light fuses without reflection. If I demolish things, I will plan for the asbestos cloud, place my explosives strategically, and prepare for the new building I will leave in their place. I will try to clear people out when I can first. I will attack structures and laws, not individual persons.

I will not blow **** up. I will choose love.

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