As I Fall Apart

I can't even tell you how many people have privately messaged me to thank me for posting the last entry on Sunday mornings. In fact, that post has already, in just a few days, received half as many views as the most popular post ever.

Some have commented on facebook. Some comments were helpful, and others continued to complicate the matter or feel a little like victim-blaming.

I will not use names to delineate these comments. I don't use names. I've talked with multiple people about why I obscure identities on this blog when I don't have to. I could call people out. I could try to shame them or make them look ignorant. I could do it. It might even feel good for a hot minute to try to hurt people the way that I have been hurt (by zombies - yep, that's passive voice there, to avoid assigning blame/agency). But I'm not really into flambeing things. I use a lot of gentle simmer - softly stirring, slowly heating, watching lazy bubbles of understanding rise up and trying to reduce this whole thing into something worthwhile, much as I did for a batch of ricotta earlier. Maybe it comes from being a teacher - after all, it's not possible to ever stop teaching once one truly starts. And it's not really about what anyone specific said - it's about the sentiment behind it and whether it came from the best place, or from a place of ignorance, or from some other place I want far away from me.

Many of you believe that I am strong. I don't know about that. I don't see it. Much as you thank me for my honesty, so many times I'm posting to keep from falling apart, or while falling apart. And I have kept things from you, readers, because I have had to. Someday, perhaps, when the context is different or my career is different, I will tell you things. I will post the entries that languish as drafts. I will be strong enough to be completely honest about things that I am not proud of, and things that could continue to hurt me. If you would like true honesty, if you want to ask real questions, I will reiterate that you should plan to come for dinner or hot beverages.

Some would say that setting this all on fire, dumping the haters, laying out complete honesty, would be a sign of strength and power. I have heard that I am defending people that don't merit defense. I have heard that if people are willing to say/write things, they should be willing to have them shared. Here's the thing: there is great power in having the ability to do those things. Once they are done, though, the power leaves too. The reality of blowing things up is that after a chemical change, short of alchemy, they don't go back to the way they were. And once that bomb drops, I'd be out of ammunition after starting a potential war.

So I will tell you this: I am falling apart right now. For a lot of reasons, some of which those of you who know me already know. Some of which you might not. In some cases, I may have brought this on myself - some would say that I have brought this all on myself. I don't know.

I read this quote on a blog sent by a friend recently:

"I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being." ~ Hafiz

I have been lonely and in darkness sometimes lately, as we all sometimes are. I am writing hoping that there will be a flicker here that will reach out to others who are lonely or crave illumination.