Signaling Behavior: Being a Lesbian and Looking it Too?

Signaling behavior is basically a theory that everything about us, from our speech to our clothing to our movements, tells the people meet something about our background and the image that we want to project. This is something about which most people make decisions constantly, either consciously or unconsciously. Of course, we might be surprised how little others are paying attention, but then again, sometimes they are.

As a lesbian, this is a particularly difficult area. I can "pass" for straight - I did for the first 22 years of my life or so, and I have in certain situations where it's been useful. Some feel this is dishonest or unhealthy, because I am hiding a part of myself. Maybe it is, but it is also unhealthy to be unemployed if one needs income. Many people would classify me as a lipstick/femme/doe lesbian, the person in a same-sex relationship fulfilling the female gender role.

I reject this. While I may sometimes wear makeup (certainly more often than Rebecca, but less than many people), and I have long hair, and I may also currently be an educator/homemaker, I'm also altogether too sassy to be a "good wife" in a traditional marriage. Nor do I feel that Rebecca is butch, although she is better at fixing things, has an asymmetrical haircut, and has a more traditionally "masculine" career - medicine. Many things about her are deeply feminine, also, such as her love of shoe shopping and infinity scarves. I reject gender binaries in this situation and the idea that relationships can only work with a masculine and feminine side.

So I keep wearing sundresses to work without feeling that I am somehow betraying my sexual orientation. I don't paint my fingernails or heat style my hair without worrying too much that people will think I'm a stereotypical lesbian. I wear ballet flats because they're pretty and comfortable, like me, and I can still move quickly if I need to. The signals I send from this are complex, much like sexual orientation. I do not have to pick a box to stay in.

Most straight people don't worry about this on a regular basis. They don't have to. Although they could be fired in many states for the simple suspicion they are gay, because so much is involved in signaling behavior (including things like mentioning finding people attractive, dates they've been on, significant others, etc), most aren't in danger. I'm fortunate that I can pass, but I am even more fortunate that my current employer not only has a non-discrimination policy, they are actively supportive of my marriage and would have my back if a customer made an issue out of it. I didn't understand before how liberating that would be.

I'm learning to be me and to signal who I am. I am a lesbian. I look like a lesbian. Because we don't look a specific way. We look like ourselves.