Gays Didn't Break Marriage (We Found it like this)

Dear opponents of marriage equality,

I know many of you are unhappy, scared, and even angry. I know you fear what is to come. For a number of reasons, you believe that marriage is going to change, that maybe people will stop getting married or that it won't mean as much or that your marriage won't be as cherished if you are already married or you'll never find your soulmate if you're not yet. I have even heard (though I hope it was satire) that some conservative Christians are considering divorce because they feel that marriage equality has ruined something for them. This post is for them. For my readers who don't identify as Christian, read if you like, but know that the heart of this post is for those who do.

Change is hard, and no one is perfectly clairvoyant, and marriage is very different now than it has been, and yeah, she's had a rough century or so. But here's the thing: marriage has been having a rough time since well before the US, in any state, allowed gay people to get married. Those high divorce rates? The children conceived/born "out of wedlock"? Dropping rates of people ever getting married? Rising rates of cohabitation? They've all been happening well before gay marriage was ever legalized.

I'm not a sociologist or a marriage counselor, but I've been married for more than three years (if you count from my religious ceremony, which I do), and I've noticed some things and read some things about what keeps marriages together and what splits them up. And like you, I love marriage. I love being married, and I think the goals of navigating life and performing ministry to others with a helpmate who shares your heart is incredibly beautiful. I know you might not believe me, but if your goal is to see is to see couples thriving in service to God and humanity, with the fruit of the Spirit evident in their lives, our ultimate objective is the same.

And so, I'd like to talk about some other issues that I think have been putting great strain on marriage,  and then I'll include some methods we could use to bolster it. I'm framing these in terms of traditional wedding vows, because I think they get it right on what is important, but many of us haven't set ourselves up well to complete them.

for better, for worse

 A lot of us don't even know how to see better or worse. When Rebecca and I were living together when she had first started med school and I had first started grad school, in some ways, things didn't look great. But we had a lot of time together, and both of us were energized by the learning process and chance to share ideas. I wish we'd known how much to treasure that time. I wish we'd had an older, wiser couple who had been through so much more to tell us how much we should cherish an opportunity like that. Even though money was extremely tight and our families weren't supportive and the Recession was killer, in some aspects those are really external to the relationship.

One element of straight privilege is being able to see relationships and marriages that look like yours, a lot. Being able to ask questions and seek solutions and reconciliation and prioritize by learning from an older couple is a beautiful, Biblical support for marriage. Yet, even for many of my straight married friends, it seems they haven't had this. They've struggled through fights and loss and sometimes, in the end, divorce, together but also alone. They've felt obligated to hide their difficulties and put on brave, happy faces and not talk about how to handle better and worse and make worse better.

Gay couples have a paucity of role models currently because formalized same sex marriage is so new, even in states where it existed before the SCOTUS ruling last month. Rebecca and I don't really have a gay couple we ask about these things, but we've been blessed to have many couples at different stages of life and marriage, and I think getting to talk to them has given much-needed perspective. I wish that marriage counseling included mandatory informal meetings after the wedding, for an indefinite time period (but that would hopefully grow organically into a long term concept) so that new couples can benefit from the kind of wisdom we've seen.  I have one or two friends, including a dear lesbian one, who will sometimes ask me about their relationship, and it's an honor to hear their stories. Often, any advice I give is really just to talk to the other person with an open heart, holding close the love they have.

for richer, for poorer

The economy has been booming and busting often and extremely in the last century. While of course it's romantic to promise to cherish one's marriage in lack and in much, let's be honest: it's easier in much. Financial problems are one of the top causes of marital strife. Part of this is that our culture has neglected fiscal literacy - I think I was fortunate to attend a high school that required us all to take a personal economics class, but that seems rare from the conversations I've had. And so, let's teach everyone to handle and talk about money.

But also, let's stop tanking the economy and dumping on the middle class. The recent Recession was especially hard on my generation, which means it was hard on young couples. Difficulty finding work, especially full-time work, lead to couples with long commutes. Difficulty with low salaries for middle class families lead to multiple jobs or long hours. Given the necessity of quality time and communication, evidence supports the conclusion that couples in this situation are more likely to despair and divorce.

I'm not suggesting guaranteed jobs and salaries, but let's support businesses that hire, that train, that pay living wages, let's vote for true family values that give family leave and vacation time and flexible hours. Let's mentor young couples in making large purchases like homes and cars and help them to find lenders and sellers that will use Godly, just practices.

And let's stop shaming people if they have debt. Our generation has debt. For most of us, it's the way we got through school so that we can fulfill our calling. Of course, we need to handle that, but we aren't bad people for having it. We aren't automatically lazy or irresponsible. Many people put off marriage or eschew it altogether because of this debt and shame. Let's be people who say no to that.

in sickness and in health

I've heard more than one story in which the illness of a spouse or child has caused divorce. Again, it's romantic to think that we will lovingly tend our partner when they are ill, but chronic illnesses take a huge toll, particularly in a culture where homecare is expensive and difficult to obtain, caregiver relief is not a given, and illness tend to lead to bills piling up and debt (see above category). Being the well one, the responsible party, for that situation is incredibly burdening, and while of course walking away isn't the right choice, it's in many ways an understandable one.

Let's band together to provide caregiver relief, to push for a healthcare system that works for the whole family and whole person. Let's be the ones who say, "I will fold your laundry, or clean your house, or bring you dinner, or watch your children if you need, because I value you and your spouse and your marriage." Let's do that not just for cancer or other "acceptable" illnesses, but for mental health, for substance abuse, for infertility, for those sicknesses that aren't so visible but are just as painful.

till death do us part 

Maybe I'm irrational for believing in lifelong monogamy. I probably am. But I have been so blessed to have met my wife at a young age (18, ten years ago next month!) and to have committed to her early (for our current culture, anyway), and to have dreams with her that will take 50 years to fulfill. I hope that for more people. I hope that for you, dear reader.

This post has taken me multiple days to write, and I am exhausted. I don't wish to judge those whose marriages have ended. It is what it is. I don't wish to sadden those who have never been married but seek to. And I'm aware that marriage is not for everyone. I think, though, that we can do better for marriage. Marriage equality can be an opportunity to strengthen these vows, these bonds that so many of us have chosen.