No, what I would like to bring up here is the difference between my clear belief that I am equal to men and my accomplishment of tasks in light of that. Because lately I have been realizing how often I request help from men for things that I really should be able to do myself. Case in point: I recently taught a class two blocks from my main office where I needed to deliver supplies. Initially I was dropped off with the heavy boxes full of SAT manuals. However, some were left over at the end of the course, BB a half-dozen or so. On the last day, it was necessary for me to return those to the office two blocks away. I packed them up as best I could and joined my male colleague in returning to the office. He didn't offer initially to carry the books, though I'm sure he would have if I had asked. About halfway back, my arms were becoming very uncomfortable, and though I probably could have proceeded, especially if I had taken a quick rest and stretched, I admitted that I was having difficulty, and at that point he did offer to carry the books. A little harmless ribbing ensued, and I ended up admitting that I am probably a bad feminist for accepting his help. But accept I did.
This alone might not have made me concerned about whether I actually live the belief that I claim I do in regards to feminism. But a similar situation arose less than a week later when I was sent to fetch borrowed tables for an event Rebecca and I would work. In my defense, I did succeed in loading the car alone, though not with a quick meltdown and a bruise on one foot. As I struggled to load the tables, a man cleaning the building offered to help me because it looked like I was having so much difficulty. Although I told him I probably could do it, I also did accept his help, intending for the two of us to do it together. Instead he loaded them all into my car without my help.
Upon arrival at the event, I was offered and accepted help unloading the tables into my space. I am certainly not saying, because I know many exceptions, that women are incapable of carrying their own things. I know many women who could have managed with these tables. Maybe I could have, even, but I didn't.
Lifting his never been my strong suit. I have many other abilities, including teaching, selling, and being creative, both in problem solving and art projects. So I suppose I could go with the argument that people are benefiting from trade. However, I am unsure what I have really offered the men who did these things for me, except my gratitude and a smile. And perhaps that is really what feels uncomfortable to me. Perhaps it is this idea that there is a quid pro quo here in which I am trading something that I cannot believe feminism would approve of.
I suppose there is the argument that I am doing what I need to to survive in a world where I do lack certain privileges. One reason I dress professionally and put on makeup in the morning is the presence of studies that concluded that students pay more attention to attractive teachers than average looking ones. While that isn't really fair, it is information that I will use to my advantage if it means that my students will learn.
Many of you, dear readers, have assured me that you find me inspiring, strong, resilient, and many other positive adjectives that I hope reflect well on my gender. But that doesn't mean I am finished yet. Maybe women need to be twice as good, maybe we need to be equally as good, but in any case I need to do better on this front.
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