You Don't Look Gay

I'm still tired from our busy season, but even if I weren't, I wouldn't apologize for the truth bombs I'm about to drop.

I've heard variations of the sentiment "you don't look/seem gay" quite a bit in the last few years. This is often paired with the notion that I must be a doe/femme/lipstick, bisexual, or even confused. 

Most recently, a presumably homeless man I'd given change to and then struck up a conversation with asserted this so vehemently (along with some other thoughts he really could have kept to himself) that I feared slightly for my safety. All I'd said was that my wife is a medical professional. Judge me for coming out or for worrying if you like, but I know personally people who have been attacked for saying less. 

Yes, I can pass. I have a fairly idealish body type - slim yet curvy, decent butt for a White woman, and I can dress it "properly," whatever that means. I wear makeup with some regularity and would wear heels pretty often  if they were practical to teach in. I acknowledge that there are benefits conferred upon me for that ability and that I don't intend to stop, although I also acknowledge that others who can't "pass" are disadvantaged.

I can pass, but telling me so is not your place. I can pass, but that's not a compliment as some seem to think. I am no less gay for looking the way I do. Implying that I'm better or more normal because I happen to conform to your idea of femininity doesn't leave me empowered, piropoed, or complimented. In fact, it doesn't say anything about me.

It tells me a lot about you, though. It tells me that, deep down, you might feel that being heterosexual is more normal or better than being a lesbian. It tells me that you don't see gender or sexual orientation as continua. It tells me that you're probably over sexualizing me. 

Being gay isn't something discernible from someone's appearance. The only way to know someone's sexual orientation is to - gasp - ask that person.