Two women seeking equality in a state where some couples are more equal than others.

Monday, March 23, 2015

Marriage is Hard: Marriage w/o Equality is Harder

Dear friends,

I have something like 6 post ideas languishing as drafts. I try to write them down when I think of them, to be fleshed out later. If that had happened, you would have read about my technique for Ecuadorian-style low-fat, creamy, satisfying, high nutrient blended soup. You would know why I have come to be glad that I was a humanities major, despite the number of people who say that was a foolish choice. You would hear more about my take on personal stories. I would be eloquent and poetic and convincing and positive. You would leave feeling that I'm just the right combo of . . . Martha Stewart, the Barefoot Contessa, Miss Manners, Ellen, and . . . I don't even know. Maya Angelou?

I have a framework of what I consider permitted for this blog space. It must somehow pertain to Michigan. It must fit the general idea of a lifestyle or opinion blog (so basically, anything I want, except for a place to share research proposals, lots of political links, or . . . nope, that's it). It generally needs to share something about me, my life, or relationships. And also, it needs to attempt a nuanced perspective that avoids overt attack on those who would disagree (I know some of you may feel this doesn't happen - but you should see some of the things I write and don't publish).

Today, my heart is not in telling you about Ecuadorian soup, or the humanities, or meta-narrative. I just want to share a profound truth that many of you already know:

Marriage. Is. Hard.

It's really hard. People who say it is easy have never tried. It's hard to share a life, a house, finances, food, time, pets, children, dreams, goals, blame, and everything else with another person for a lifetime. It's not easy for anyone. I'm not saying that. Please don't mistake me.

My marriage, if we were straight, would still be hard. With Rebecca in residency, I'm holding our household together, our social life together, our laundry and fridge and bathroom and kitty cats together, almost alone. That is a fact of residency, especially primary care, especially first year, especially in research/hospital-based programs. Those scenes on Grey's Anatomy where all the interns are at a bar together? Doesn't happen. Someone has to be staffing the hospital still. And honestly, the ones that don't are probably just wiped.

Marriage is harder than usual for: interracial couples, military couples, low-income couples, immigrant couples, couples from different religious backgrounds, couples from different financial backgrounds, couples with similar personalities, couples with differing personalities. So all couples, really.

And marriage is harder than usual for LGBT couples. It just is. Of course, we treasure it. Of course, I'm glad to live now and not 50 years ago, when I would have to pretend Rebecca is my roommate all the time instead of just at certain work sites. Of course, I'm grateful that I have a California marriage certificate. Of course, I know that this will likely be sorted in the relatively near future, against the will of many of those who live in the U.S.

But I would like to know how to set up my taxes NOW. Yes, I know taxes are a pain for everyone. The vast majority of people, though, know whether or not their home state will consider them married on Tax Day. I would like to have a drivers license that matches my married name YESTERDAY. Or months ago. Yes, I know getting this changed is a pain for everyone who takes their spouse's name, but the vast majority of people who do so are guaranteed that the SOS will process their paperwork if they bring in correct documentation, take their ticket, wait for their number, and speak reasonably to the person behind the counter. I would like to think that we had chosen employers based solely on whether it was a good fit, and not because some have non-discrimination policies for the LGBT community that allow us to be out, share insurance, not get fired for something that has no bearing on whether we are good at our jobs, etc. I would like to be able to move to wherever I would like without worrying that my landlord/lady could deny me housing because I'm in a same-sex relationship (yes, we're thinking about moving - and looking for possible roommies, if you know anyone).  These are things many people don't think about.

Marriage is hard. Marriage without equality is harder.

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