This list is compiled from a number of comments I have heard from straight people about upcoming weddings or things that I have seen at straight weddings in the past. They are NOT a reference to all straight weddings NOR are they taken from one specific straight wedding. Certainly, straight weddings are not without their difficulties, and to straight couples getting married, these are real issues. I do not mean to claim that having a straight wedding constitutes a stress-free experience. Nevertheless, LGBT couples face unique challenges that I hope will be highlighted in this list.
For most straight couples:
Getting a marriage license does not require them to wait until a court makes a decision about the status of their relationship.
Getting a marriage license does not require going to another state.
Finding an officiant doesn't involve finding someone who doesn't object to their relationship on moral grounds.
Finding a venue doesn't involve finding a place of worship or hall that doesn't object to their relationship on moral grounds.
Venues, caterers, bakers, clothing salespeople, etc, don't assume that a member of the couple to be married is actually a member of the bridal party.
Guests do not attend the wedding to see what "a straight wedding" is like or so that they can claim that they are tolerant/venturesome.
RSVPs do not include judgmental notes about the morality of the upcoming nuptials.
Parents, siblings, and close friends can be assumed to come.
The bride is allowed to at least occasionally be a "bride-zilla" to them without reflecting poorly on the entire sexual orientation community she belongs to.
If people choose not to come, the explanation is generally financial or reflects prior obligations.
If people choose not to come, the decision is rarely blamed on the couple's "choice" to belong to the LGBT community, fall in love, and commit to each other.
Parents may want to add additional people to the guest list.
The couple will not feel obligated to ask for permission to invite certain family members or family friends for fear of offending them or the parents with an invitation.
Once the wedding is completed, straight couples can assume the following:
The Secretary of State or equivalent will accept their marriage certificate for a name change.
State accrediting or licensing boards will accept their marriage certificate and other documentation for name change and issuing purposes.
They will automatically qualify for spousal benefits if their employer offers them.
They can tell people about their marriage/spouse without fear of reprisal in the form of employment or housing discrimination.
If they have or adopt children together, no matter what state, the children will belong to both of them.
They will not have to be concerned about how future court decisions could affect the status of their marriage.
Their family and friends will not pray for them to get divorced.
Their family and friends will invite both spouses to family gatherings and holidays.
Have another to add? Comment below!
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Monday, May 12, 2014
I Can't Help Thinking that Rick Snyder and Bill Schuette Have Made a Tactical Error
On my second anniversary, I feel it's worthwhile to comment on the state of LGBT equality in Michigan.
That is to say, there really isn't any, at the state level, at least.
Marriages have been suspended while the state government spends tens of thousands of dollars on an appeal to "protect voters' rights" that in the end everyone knows will not prevail. (These same voters, if given the vote again tomorrow, would vote for equality.)
Rebecca and I have changed our names federally with the Social Security administration. We also managed to convince the bank to let us change our name, but not without sharing our story with three credit union employees, some of whom were under the impression that we had full equality. We clearly included Rick and Bill's involvement in our lack of equality. Rebecca was turned away from the Secretary of State; the state is refusing to issue driver's licenses based on our Social Security status or using our marriage certificate. In our case, this would mean going through the courts, something not available to us because we haven't been the residents of our county for more than a year. We'd have to wait until June of 2015 to pursue that, and it would be far more expensive and time consuming.
Many places want our driver's licenses to be changed to do the other changes. In some cases, a passport would do, but we don't have the money to change our passports yet. The university changed Rebecca's name based on her marriage certificate but refused to do so for me. They said they will do it when my social security card comes. I made sure to explain there too why I didn't have the driver's license they wanted, again including Rick and Bill.
Because of our story, many more Michiganders know about the oppressive beliefs and behaviors of Rick Snyder's administration in a year when he cannot take re-election for granted. The funny thing is that allowing us to change our name would not cost the state anything, or really even confer us benefits. It creates headaches for our employers who want all paperwork to match for payroll purposes - employers that Rick supposedly values and wants to help.
A song from the musical "Once Upon a Mattress" comes to mind:
It won't be long, it won't be long, it won't because it can't be long
Before our dreams come true.
I know I mustn't worry, Harry,
Still, I wish you'd hurry, Harry,
Harry, marry me.
I truly believe that by the end of 2016, and probably sooner, we'll see marriage equality in Michigan. However, just because the legislation changes doesn't mean that hearts and minds have. If Michigan is this oppressive, I question whether it is the right place for us, and eventually for our children.
That is to say, there really isn't any, at the state level, at least.
Marriages have been suspended while the state government spends tens of thousands of dollars on an appeal to "protect voters' rights" that in the end everyone knows will not prevail. (These same voters, if given the vote again tomorrow, would vote for equality.)
Rebecca and I have changed our names federally with the Social Security administration. We also managed to convince the bank to let us change our name, but not without sharing our story with three credit union employees, some of whom were under the impression that we had full equality. We clearly included Rick and Bill's involvement in our lack of equality. Rebecca was turned away from the Secretary of State; the state is refusing to issue driver's licenses based on our Social Security status or using our marriage certificate. In our case, this would mean going through the courts, something not available to us because we haven't been the residents of our county for more than a year. We'd have to wait until June of 2015 to pursue that, and it would be far more expensive and time consuming.
Many places want our driver's licenses to be changed to do the other changes. In some cases, a passport would do, but we don't have the money to change our passports yet. The university changed Rebecca's name based on her marriage certificate but refused to do so for me. They said they will do it when my social security card comes. I made sure to explain there too why I didn't have the driver's license they wanted, again including Rick and Bill.
Because of our story, many more Michiganders know about the oppressive beliefs and behaviors of Rick Snyder's administration in a year when he cannot take re-election for granted. The funny thing is that allowing us to change our name would not cost the state anything, or really even confer us benefits. It creates headaches for our employers who want all paperwork to match for payroll purposes - employers that Rick supposedly values and wants to help.
A song from the musical "Once Upon a Mattress" comes to mind:
It won't be long, it won't be long, it won't because it can't be long
Before our dreams come true.
I know I mustn't worry, Harry,
Still, I wish you'd hurry, Harry,
Harry, marry me.
I truly believe that by the end of 2016, and probably sooner, we'll see marriage equality in Michigan. However, just because the legislation changes doesn't mean that hearts and minds have. If Michigan is this oppressive, I question whether it is the right place for us, and eventually for our children.
Friday, March 21, 2014
Finally, Almost?
It finally happened! A judge in Michigan struck down the constitutional ban on gay marriage in the DeBoer v. Snyder case.
This is so much progress, and very exciting, but it's hard to feel that this has an end. For one thing, I haven't heard what will happen with second parent adoption, something that is critical for LGBT families to have true equality. For another, the attorney general is appealing and requesting a stay. What has happened in other states in this situation is that the state has managed to put marriages on hold indefinitely, suspending rights that should be granted. This can leave people in limbo, particularly if some people manage to get married before the stay and others have weddings planned but don't get to execute them.
In Rebecca and my case, there's another question. Since we didn't wait for legal marriage in Michigan, what happens? Will our California marriage be considered valid? Or do we need to have a third wedding?
I have been congratulated by multiple straight people, and I'm trying to be grateful, but I wish they could understand what it feels like to know that this could be taken away from us before it's made permanent. And that's ridiculous. Outrageous. Preposterous. If marriage is a civil rights issue, how is it moral or ethical to decide that we should have it and then take it away? What happens if one of us ends up hospitalized or worse in this limbo period? When will we finally feel good about having children? When can we file our taxes together like a normal married couple?
Don't these judges and lawyers realize that families are at stake here?
This is so much progress, and very exciting, but it's hard to feel that this has an end. For one thing, I haven't heard what will happen with second parent adoption, something that is critical for LGBT families to have true equality. For another, the attorney general is appealing and requesting a stay. What has happened in other states in this situation is that the state has managed to put marriages on hold indefinitely, suspending rights that should be granted. This can leave people in limbo, particularly if some people manage to get married before the stay and others have weddings planned but don't get to execute them.
In Rebecca and my case, there's another question. Since we didn't wait for legal marriage in Michigan, what happens? Will our California marriage be considered valid? Or do we need to have a third wedding?
I have been congratulated by multiple straight people, and I'm trying to be grateful, but I wish they could understand what it feels like to know that this could be taken away from us before it's made permanent. And that's ridiculous. Outrageous. Preposterous. If marriage is a civil rights issue, how is it moral or ethical to decide that we should have it and then take it away? What happens if one of us ends up hospitalized or worse in this limbo period? When will we finally feel good about having children? When can we file our taxes together like a normal married couple?
Don't these judges and lawyers realize that families are at stake here?
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Marriage Certificates and Civil Rights
Our marriage certificate arrived from Riverside County today! (Well, certificates, actually - we ordered two since we're both changing our names.) I'm overwhelmed with joy. It's validating to have a piece of paper that says I'm officially married. That says that I can file my taxes with my spouse. That says that I would inherit her assets if something happened to her. That says that I would make medical decisions for her. That says that I could benefit from her Social Security someday.
That may help me be on her health insurance. That should help us get our names changed. That would mean we could adopt together if we were in a state with second-parent adoption.
I'm also angry. I'm angry that I had to go all the way to California to get a marriage certificate, because my home state, the one we've both grown up in, the one where we fell in love and became a family, the one where we got our educations, wouldn't issue us a marriage license. I'm angry that Michigan didn't consider us equal, or deserving, of that right.
I'm angry that I feel this piece of paper matters, since most of the straight couples I know don't think about their marriage certificate or the rights it bestows. I'm angry that even with this piece of paper, I know people who don't believe that I'm married. I'm angry that a member of my family told me that I shouldn't get married in California because Michigan wouldn't accept my marriage certificate. I'm angry that she didn't think about federal benefits of marriage, even though she's married, because straight people don't have to.
And it is at this point that I recommit to doing what I can to making marriage equality a reality in Michigan. This year, I took the step of coming out to my family, even though that proved disastrous. I hope that when they think about oppressing the LGBT community, they remember that means oppressing me.
That may help me be on her health insurance. That should help us get our names changed. That would mean we could adopt together if we were in a state with second-parent adoption.
I'm also angry. I'm angry that I had to go all the way to California to get a marriage certificate, because my home state, the one we've both grown up in, the one where we fell in love and became a family, the one where we got our educations, wouldn't issue us a marriage license. I'm angry that Michigan didn't consider us equal, or deserving, of that right.
I'm angry that I feel this piece of paper matters, since most of the straight couples I know don't think about their marriage certificate or the rights it bestows. I'm angry that even with this piece of paper, I know people who don't believe that I'm married. I'm angry that a member of my family told me that I shouldn't get married in California because Michigan wouldn't accept my marriage certificate. I'm angry that she didn't think about federal benefits of marriage, even though she's married, because straight people don't have to.
And it is at this point that I recommit to doing what I can to making marriage equality a reality in Michigan. This year, I took the step of coming out to my family, even though that proved disastrous. I hope that when they think about oppressing the LGBT community, they remember that means oppressing me.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Invitations
A tiny number of invitations went out in the mail Monday. By tiny, I mean, fewer than 20. Given that this is a destination wedding and that we already had a (still fairly small) wedding and reception, we didn't want to overdo it. This is because of budget. And because we're too busy to plan anything larger. And because we're not trying to upstage our previous wedding.
Now I wait for RSVPs to both the ceremony in Palm Desert and the family gathering in Lansing. I'm not sure what to expect out of these RSVPs, given that this is not a typical wedding situation and given that my family is not super supportive of me being a lesbian. I hope that they'll surprise me, though.
Curious about the invitation? We went with a kraft paper card accented with an aqua hand-dyed lace doily, and purple calligraphy text in a purple envelope with aqua accents. Very different from our hand-painted amate art on the last set, but lovely nonetheless.
Now I wait for RSVPs to both the ceremony in Palm Desert and the family gathering in Lansing. I'm not sure what to expect out of these RSVPs, given that this is not a typical wedding situation and given that my family is not super supportive of me being a lesbian. I hope that they'll surprise me, though.
Curious about the invitation? We went with a kraft paper card accented with an aqua hand-dyed lace doily, and purple calligraphy text in a purple envelope with aqua accents. Very different from our hand-painted amate art on the last set, but lovely nonetheless.
Friday, November 22, 2013
Committing in CA
We're going to California this New Year's to get a marriage license.
I had hoped it wouldn't come to this. I had hoped that there would be some reasonable sign that Michigan would have marriage equality. There's a glimmer coming, in February, but nobody really knows what to expect.
And we're adults now. We're thinking about buying houses and having children and making more than the poverty lines. We need our affairs to be in order. We can't wait indefinitely, and we shouldn't have to.
So we're having a tiny ceremony in Palm Desert in January. It's not going to be a copy of the one we had before. That one counted before God and the people who support us. This one is mostly for legal purposes, although we will have photos taken and will have a very small gathering once we get back to Michigan.
I had hoped it wouldn't come to this. I had hoped that there would be some reasonable sign that Michigan would have marriage equality. There's a glimmer coming, in February, but nobody really knows what to expect.
And we're adults now. We're thinking about buying houses and having children and making more than the poverty lines. We need our affairs to be in order. We can't wait indefinitely, and we shouldn't have to.
So we're having a tiny ceremony in Palm Desert in January. It's not going to be a copy of the one we had before. That one counted before God and the people who support us. This one is mostly for legal purposes, although we will have photos taken and will have a very small gathering once we get back to Michigan.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Anniversary
Okay, so it is not really my anniversary. In fact, my anniversary was almost a month ago. I haven't updated this blog in more than a year. Here's what's happened in the meantime:
Rebecca and I moved to Wyandotte, Michigan. If you've never heard of this place, the best way to describe it's location is for me to tell you that you could get in a boat on the river in downtown Detroit and float down the river to downtown Wyandotte.
Rebecca started her third year of medical school at Henry Ford Wyandotte Hospital.
I worked as a teaching assistant in a summer enrichment program in southwest Detroit. I also got certified as a GRE instructor for the Princeton Review and became an aunt.
I applied for and interviewed for numerous jobs for the fall. Eventually, the only full-time one that materialized worked out to be at Oakland University in Rochester, Michigan. This is a 75 minute or more drive from Wyandotte.
The job at OU ended up being less than ideal and I had a health crisis, so I left. A job actually using my MA TESOL opened up in Madison Heights and Oak Park. These are cities in southern Oakland County that are about a 45 minute drive from Wyandotte. While these jobs were less than ideal, they were an improvement in every way over the job at OU, so I tried to be grateful.
In the meantime, I got certified as an ACT instructor for the Princeton Review.
The ESL school year ends this week and I'll be trying to make a living teaching test prep for the Princeton Review.
In January, I was accepted to do a Ph.D. in Higher, Adult, and Lifelong Education at Michigan State University. In August, we'll be moving back to East Lansing.
Rebecca and I moved to Wyandotte, Michigan. If you've never heard of this place, the best way to describe it's location is for me to tell you that you could get in a boat on the river in downtown Detroit and float down the river to downtown Wyandotte.
Rebecca started her third year of medical school at Henry Ford Wyandotte Hospital.
I worked as a teaching assistant in a summer enrichment program in southwest Detroit. I also got certified as a GRE instructor for the Princeton Review and became an aunt.
I applied for and interviewed for numerous jobs for the fall. Eventually, the only full-time one that materialized worked out to be at Oakland University in Rochester, Michigan. This is a 75 minute or more drive from Wyandotte.
The job at OU ended up being less than ideal and I had a health crisis, so I left. A job actually using my MA TESOL opened up in Madison Heights and Oak Park. These are cities in southern Oakland County that are about a 45 minute drive from Wyandotte. While these jobs were less than ideal, they were an improvement in every way over the job at OU, so I tried to be grateful.
In the meantime, I got certified as an ACT instructor for the Princeton Review.
The ESL school year ends this week and I'll be trying to make a living teaching test prep for the Princeton Review.
In January, I was accepted to do a Ph.D. in Higher, Adult, and Lifelong Education at Michigan State University. In August, we'll be moving back to East Lansing.
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